Tag Archives: Online Dating


July 3, 2015

I’m originally from Los Angeles, California.


Around the age of 6 or 7, my parents decided to live in the Antelope Valley, which the real estate was cheaper and a better quality of living compared to the big city. Lancaster was the first stop. As a kid, it was difficult adjusting to the educational system. Around the early 90’s, there was a lot of racism in the school system from faculty and students alike. Even when I went to private school down the line, I felt like didn’t belong. People assumed that all black people were on welfare and ignorant, while my sister and I lived in a suburban neighborhood, talked proper, and dressed very nicely.

Next, my parents decided to move to California City in 1993.


This was the first time they became homeowners. My Dad used his VA Loan, which helped out tremendously. At first, I enjoyed the country lifestyle and being able to play outside in the streets. Once I hit 13 or 14, I became highly annoyed, like I am now. I didn’t have too many friends. I was a nerd and most of my friends were military kids, so they moved away.


I used to remember traveling to L.A. with my family and being fascinated with the big city life.


I would have desires of graduating from college, owning my own home, living in the big city, and one day raising a family. I would always cry when we left L.A. because I knew what would be waiting for me in California City — no life!

Once I hit high school, my parents put me back in private school, which was a mistake (My mom and dad realized I was “boy crazy” and couldn’t imagine me being a teen mom). The school lowered their religious and moral standards, so any student was accepted. I would have girls threaten to fight me and everything. I decided to be home schooled around 10th grade and graduate early. I ended up working a few jobs such as a waitress, grocery store clerk, medical assistant, and then got laid off at my last job, which was working at a Chiropractor office. I decided right then and there that I needed some adventure and culture, so I swore in the U.S. Army in 2005 and headed out to Basic Training.


Fast forward 9 years later, I moved back to my small town last year from the Army. I had a hard time with the divorce and the hectic Army schedule. It felt nice to finally be back at home in the arms of my family.

my house

(U.S. Air Force graphic)

I also landed a job 15 minutes away from my home and get to finally live in my house after 6 years. It’s been over a year and I’m starting to feel miserable. I live 45 minutes to 2 hours from all of the cities with action. My life mostly consist of work and college, which has been getting me down lately. I don’t feel motivated at all and feel like my whole life is dedicated to working hard to make a living for myself and to maintain my independence. Some days, I want to cry or punch a hole in the wall.

When I lived in NC, I joined a Yoga and Pole Fitness class. I felt relaxed, confident, and vibrant.

pole dance embrace

(**Actual photos of my Pole & Yoga studio in NC)

In this area, the closest Yoga and Pole class is 60-100 miles away. Also, the mall was nearby, with a few other favorite stores and if I ever needed a break from Fayettiville, Atlanta, my NaNa, and “cray cray” cousin Miko weren’t too far away.


Back to my physical fitness, I have a gym membership here, but due to small town living, a lot of drama goes on. For example, I went with my mom to the gym just to hang out (I wasn’t working out). I had on regular non-gym clothes (flip-flops, tank top, and shorts). While my mom and I are laughing and joking around, a staff member that was off shift and working out comes up to me in a nasty attitude and says, “You can’t be in here with flip-flops. You need to leave.” The main reason she came up to me is because when I walked in, all of the guys were checking me out. I guessed I ruined her “flirtation mojo.” I can’t help being a 34DD and a size 0. I was born this way! One of the staff members on shift came up and started hitting on me. He even told me that I can wear his shoes so I can stay, but I didn’t want to cause any issues with him during his shift, so I waited in the car until my mom was done working out.

Next, my job. I love what I do in terms of helping out the employees and serving our military, but I do bump heads with the other management. A lot of them don’t understand that I’m a manager and very young looking. I don’t get the respect I deserve. Most of the management try to throw me under the bus or make it like I’m incompetent. Being the only African-American in management doesn’t help either.

With that being said, my job offers mobility, which means I can travel all over the U.S. and the world as a manager. I can also participate in the HR Management Trainee program and get promoted from an HR Tech to an HR Manager I, which means more money. If I do not go mobile, I will stay in my current position and once I reach my pay maximum of $21.00 per hour, i go no further. Also, I’m the only HR person there. People expect me to be in a million places at once and I put O/T in without getting paid, because its not allowed. When I went on my random business trips to Fort Irwin, i noticed that the HR Teams consist of 2-4 people. Even though the stores are bigger, the team can reach out to each other. I feel like I have no support. I don’t think I want to be the ONLY HR person for 20+ years like the last one. So if I don’t go mobile, I will stay stuck and not progress. When you don’t grow, you basically DIE — on a professional level. I don’t think I will get a raise either once I graduate from college in a few months. One option would be that I can go Civil Service, which means I can buy back my military service time and retire in 11 years. I will also make more money, and I can still travel. Or….go with another company. I even thought about deploying to the Middle East as an HR Tech (with AAFES) for 12-15 months, but they will not have opportunities until next year.

I discussed my concerns with my parents, but we argue all of the time. They say, “God has a plan for you being in this town.” or “You cannot make decisions until you pray. God might not want you to move. You need to be closer to Him and find out what you need to do.” Also, I have 2 lovely dogs and my mom says, “If you travel, they will have anxiety all over and I’m not watching them if you deploy for a year.”

Crossing out Plan A and writing Plan B on a blackboard.

I get more frustrated and angry. I believe these discussion/arguments create a big divide between my family and I hate that. I want us to get along and for them to understand how I feel. I know parents always want best for their children, but if my family really knew how I felt. I feel so defeated and discouraged. I feel like I get no support from them. Today I told my mom about the deployment idea and she replied, “YOU CAN’T DO THAT! You need to ask God and you can’t leave your dogs.” I said, “I’m grown last time I checked. You need to say ‘I shouldn’t’ not ‘I can’t.’ I can do what I want.” I’m starting to feel resentment towards my parents and my Christian upbringing. I feel like “The man upstairs.” is not understanding my situation and basically punishing me. There is always these “do not” rules and it’s getting pretty played out. I know that sounds wrong, but I feel so trapped. I couldn’t imagine residing in Cal City being His ultimate and divine plan for my life.


I would love to move somewhere like Las Vegas, where I’m 3 hours from home, but I can start over and live in a big city with more opportunities.

dentist-las-vegas-nv2  VEGAS 3

L.A. is a heck no! The traffic and real estate is so ungodly. I refuse to struggle out there.


Also, my company is in Vegas, so if an HR slot opens, I can transfer. Lastly, the real estate is cheap! I would have to sell, rent, or keep my house for when I come and visit, but it would be worth it. The best catch with my house is that my mortgage is only $500 per month and it’s a beautiful home! My sister stays with me, so I pay $250 per month for mortgage. I save a lot of money.

The last point is a love life. Some days I feel so unlucky like I wasn’t born under these stars.

sponge bob

I never had a real boyfriend growing up in this town. When I joined the Army, I got a little wild, then married, then divorced, and did some more playing around, but decided to be celibate back in 2013. I moved back here and I feel like I’m 16 all over again. I get no dates or attention. You would think that I work on a military base and that would help, but no. I guess I don’t look “plain Jane” or need a green card — or overweight for that matter. Because of the limited availability of men and my work/college schedule, I decided to do online, which I’m starting to regret.


I’ve been on Tagged, POF, and OK Cupid. Most are looking for booty or a place to lay their head. i have standards and refuse to be a “flunkie” in my 20’s, so I’m not going for it. I finally cancelled all of my accounts and started E-Harmony. I could find better quality of men and someone that wants to settle down….or so I thought. I got hits as soon as I got on, but when guys realize I’m not easy, I gets no love folks! I was supposed to go out on a date tonight with a guy in the local area and he cancelled because “Even though our chemistry is great, you are looking for a serious relationship while I’m looking for a casual thing.” Really? Isn’t chemistry the best factor? I believe if you don’t have chemistry, you have nothing. For the last 3 days, this guy has been talking about getting to know me, goals, and sharing mutual interests. But since I pulled out the celibacy card, I go out of the window. Ugh….the struggle is real. Who the heck goes on E-Harmony for casual sex? I even state on my profile my true intentions, which is celibacy and settling down. I guess people can’t or don’t want to read.

The other guy looked like a pedophile and is really weird on the phone. He claims to be a Christian, but is really weird. He has never dated an African-American woman before, so I think he’s searching for the “experience.” He wants to get married in 3-6 months, explained to me all of his disabilities, likes bondage, we don’t have much in common, and he wants to take up a hobby in “gambling.” I’m not going to risk my money and livelihood for your pleasure of Black Jack & Russian Roulette.

pony hate

Lately, I’ve been re-thinking celibacy as well. It’s so frustrating and disappointing to come home alone, sleep alone, and just do everything alone. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve gained much clarity and sanity since I started my journey in 2013, but I feel so unhappy as well. Most of my old Army friends tell me I need to get laid, but I don’t think that would solve anything. Well….maybe….I did a post awhile back about the show “Gigolos” from Showtime.


My favorite gentleman is Ash and I see the struggle most women deal with. They get stood up on dates, taken advantage of, or abused. At the end of the day, they want sex, love, and affection without the drama of being rejected. I promise you that I’ve thought about it. I know it’s a taboo subject but I’d rather pay for sex then be caught up in the friends with benefits bs. I’ve already done that and it’s not fun. Friends with benefits is non-existent.

In conclusion, I am a small town girl with BIG DREAMS! I don’t want to feel isolated or miserable by residing here. The world has so much to offer and I feel like I’m missing out on everything.


Almost Doesn’t Count

(Continuation to “Lames”)


I wish I could say that I finally have love cornered against the wall. or the fact that I’m absolutely bulletproof, but ladies and gentlemen…I am neither.


So, I take my co-workers advice and start an E-Harmony account. This will be my last and final shimmery hope of online dating. Silly me though….I made the mistake of getting a year account, which was $200! I thought I would get credited $20 per month out of my account. So much for my Loan bill….ugh…..

Two days on E-Harmony, I get a smile and a message from a handsome, Latino gentleman from Las Vegas — did I mention he is a Christian too. So now, I’m all pumped up and excited. He sends me 5 questions and I do the same. I get a message a few days later stating, “You are very beautiful and I would like to get to know you better.” I message him my phone number and I get an instant text saying, “Hi, this is Sergio*”

My conversations with Sergio turned from texting to straight up FaceTime. I finally got to see his face compared to the pictures and he looks the rapper Pit Bull!


He was also a Christian and seemed respectful, so I’m relieved that I’m finally talking to a gentleman. Even though we live 3 hours away, we agreed that I would come out there in mid-July to see if we will work out (first date compatibility). I did not want him to come out to my town because it’s boring and absolutely nothing to do. Vegas seems way much better!


So one night, we are doing Facetime and I said, “I submitted my leave in for mid-July and awaiting approval. I am going to go ahead and start looking at hotels.” Sergio says, “Why get a hotel? You can stay at my place.” I got one of those HOLD UP….WTF moments again….ugh….why!

no you didn't

I kindly said, “I would prefer to stay in a hotel since we are meeting each other for the first time. Plus, I’m celibate and looking for something serious. I just don’t think it would be a good idea to stay at your place.” He said, “I’m sorry. Did I offend you?” I said, “No, I am just playing it safe.”

As the days went on, I noticed our conversations lessened a bit, but he was still texting (I was too), so I didn’t get worried. During my business trip, I asked, “Do you want to talk tonight?” Then, I fell asleep. I woke up to a text saying, “I called you.” I’m like, “No you didn’t. Try again.” Since I was staying in a hotel at an Army base, the reception is TERRIBLE. So for 30 minutes we tried getting in touch with each other. Now, I’ll be honest….I LOVE MAKEUP and I’m very high maintenance.

FLOWER CHILD  cat eyes

This time, I had NO MAKEUP on. I thought “bump it.” I can’t be made up all the time. I want to be honest and real with this guy. I will never look like a model 24/7.

natural 2 natural

So, when he sees me on Facetime, he doesn’t look too happy. He could not get off of Facetime any faster. So I’m thinking, “Dang, did I look that bad?”

After our Facetime mishap, I got lesser texts than before. He used to call me “doll.” I wasn’t even getting that anymore. The last text I received from him was this past Friday which was, “Good Morning.” I texted back, “How are you?” and that was it. I didn’t get a reply or anything.

So, I had a pep talk with my mom about the strange events between Sergio and I. She felt like he is not talking much over the hotel issue. I did tell her that the talks became less over the hotel comment. My Dad laughed because he knew what was up.

So, there is this page on Facebook called RTAR (Real Talk About Relationships). I posted my current situation about Sergio and wanted to know what would be my next move. I heard different replies such as, “I wouldn’t go to Vegas now.”, “He’s after booty. Leave that alone.”, “Girl, I would go by myself and ‘turn up'”, and lastly, “You aren’t giving him a chance. Maybe call him and see what happens.” I know he was currently working on a boxing project involving Mayweather and I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, but something in me didn’t settle right. A gentleman on the RTAR page gave me the best advice ever!

Mr. Terrence –
Good morning Tijera, to be honest with you he sees you as an out-of-town booty call, no man with any respect, decency, or common courtesy would pull that old school move. It’s the oldest trick in the book to extend his place to you, to lessen the burden of having to spend money for a hotel room. Tijera, I have two beautiful daughters like yourself and trust me they were well educated about scenarios like this. The reason he slowed down the communication is by design and with a purpose. First one is to make you feel guilty by flipping the script on you for not wanting to stay at his house on your first visit. Secondly, this is a way for him to end the relationship on his terms. Finally, he’s trying to wait and feel you out so he can apologize for his mistake for not respecting your wishes in the beginning. Tijera, he his already showing no respect in the early stages of your friendship how can you trust him in a long term relationship? Trust your instinct and your heart, communication is the key for all aspects of life. You deserve the best don’t settle for less make these men earn your love, heart, and trust please.
So, Saturday morning, I woke up and decided to call him and try — even though deep down I knew that I wouldn’t probably here from him anymore and my gut instinct was right about everything.

k. michelle phone

I mostly don’t do this (phone call dudes or blow up their phone) and I did not get the normal “Good Morning” text I would always get from, but I needed closure. This situation was frustrating me because I felt like I didn’t do anything wrong and this was a classic game.

So, I called and said, “Hey Sergio! This is Tijera. I hope your project is going well and I we haven’t talked in a few days, so I hope everything is good with you. Hit me up when you get a chance.” Ladies and gentleman…I didn’t get a call back or text and that was my signal. Silence from someone can give you the best and ONLY answer….move on! I have so much to do, I have to carry on.

The normal reaction for me is to get down a bit, which I did because I’m just tired of games.


I’m in my 30’s and actually looking for something real. I’m not about sex (like I was in my 20’s or after my divorce) or treating people bad (asking for money and using dudes). I’m not the type of woman to ask about light bill or gas money and not even know the dude.


One thing I notice about men these days is that they say they can handle and independent, self-made woman who has her own, but deep down they feel like they are losing control or don’t feel deserving of me, which again is not my problem. I would rather rise with someone, then have to drag them all over the place. What happened to “power couples?”

I don’t deserve it
She’s just a little too perfect
She’s just a little too worth it
I don’t deserve her at all, no not at all
I only text her, man I never call
I’m still a canine at heart, I’m a dog

Company ~ Drake


On the other end, I don’t need a man inquiring about booty and not wanting to get to know me. These times are definitely rough. Money and sex are the main motivation instead of love. In my personal and humble opinion, he could be talking to more than one girl. In these situations, the sluttiest one WINS! I just want something real, even though I have some days when I want to give up and just get laid. I am starting to feel that being the “good girl” and doing the right thing sometimes takes a toll. I feel like I’m finishing last.


“To be honest I find it hard to believe that there’s someone out there that would be able to spend the rest of their life with me.”


It took me a day or two to realize that I didn’t do anything wrong and I walked away proudly (again for the millionth time). I don’t have to text him constantly or get “ratchet.” Sometimes I let things get to me or think I’m not good enough. I think I have something (relationship/love) in the bag, but it slips out of my hands. You know what though? It’s his lost & his problem, not mine. I don’t have time for games & bs. In all honesty, I’d rather would of respected Sergio more if he was honest & said that I wasn’t the girl he wanted or didn’t want to wait. Instead, he went away silently and faded into the black. It goes to show you that he wasn’t man enough for me. I shouldn’t have to lower my standards or act like a loose whore to get a man’s attention.


nice guy - aholes

So instead of focusing on stupid men and games, I’m taking that different “angle” and it feels good. I’m getting caught up at work & 9 classes left until my Bachelor’s degree. I just try and keep my mind & motivation on the REAL things that matter!

wednesday    baby girl focus

Hopefully one day I get to finally achieve what I want in love!

relationship goals interracial



So, I decided to go ahead and get rid of OK Cupid, Christian Mingle, Tagged, etc. I needed some breathing room from the carnal demands of online dating.

big tits

Remember my last post about my online dating disasters? Well, one of the guys I decided to give a chance (MR. HIT & MISS), which was the WRONG decision. So, let me tell my story. Anyways, a few weekends ago, he contacted me via text and wanted to hang out. It was the weekend, so I was pretty much “free” after my studying and homework was complete. I talked to him (via text) around noon and stated, “We should meet up later and hang out.” He said, “Ok cool. I’m at work, but we will talk later.”

mixed signals

I added, “I will be close to your town so maybe we can hang out and get something to eat. I will be running errand (i.e. Walmart, Nail Salon), so when you get off work, just let me know.”

6 hours later, I’m at the nail salon and he texts, “What are you doing?” I told him I was getting my nails done and if he wanted to meet up, we can do so in about an hour or so. He said, “Ok.” Then, about an hour or two later, he texts and says, “I don’t think I’m going to make it because I haven’t left the house yet. I feel like this idea or plan is too much at the last minute but you can come to my house or we can meet up at a park”….HOLD UP….WTF!?!?!


Just to fill you all in, I’ve had a stalker before and a bunch of other crazy events during my Army years and I REFUSE to meet someone from online in a dark and/or private place. I texted him back and said, “Look, I am going out to eat with or without you, so if you do not want to go, then that’s fine.” So…I did. I went to Applebee’s and enjoyed a nice meal with a drink.  I don’t care about doing things on my own. It is what it is.

On my way home, he texts and says, “I feel awful because I could of went out.” I texted back, “That’s too bad.” The next following days, I kept getting these stupid “Hello” texts from him and I was getting very annoyed. I should of followed my first instinct of just cutting him off all together because he pulled a “booty call” move, which didn’t work on me. So, I finally blocked his number and I killed Cupid with his own bow and arrow (canceling my account).

bitch asshole

Then to top it all of, remember “married” Vegas dude? Yeah…he texted me the same day or a few days later asking when I was going down to Vegas again? I asked, “How are you and your wife?” and I got a silent pause. I just kill them with kindness. : ) I will be blocking his number as well. His name is not in my phone, but he pops up every now and then like a nasty zit.


I feel like I made the right choice, but again, a girl gets real lonely sometimes and would desire a relationship compared to booty calls, one night stands, and friends with benefits. So, I go out on a business trip to Fort irwin to train a new Human Resource Assistant. She was telling me about how she met her husband on E-Harmony and there are a better quality of men. All of the sudden….the light bulb clicked on!


I thought about it for a bit and decided that I will give it a try. E-harmony will be my last hope with online dating. If this doesn’t work, I don’t know what else will…….



“You said hello to me
I said hello to you
You ask me where I’m from
I asked you what you do
You some how intrigued me
I thought you were so cool
Somewhere between hi and goodbye
I felt so comfortable
I felt like we could talk all night
So i gave my number to you”
– Yes, Beyonce’


So…one would think relationship or something blossoming would start like this. Well, it should but it doesn’t happen like that. Even though I’m celibate, I would eventually like to build on something and be with someone worthy of me. As you all know, I have been on my online dating journey for a few months. For the most part, I’m consumed with work and school. I don’t have random dudes approaching me at the grocery store or on base, so I though online dating would be simple right?

For the most part, I am a woman of class and ambition. I guess most of these dudes are used to trash or ratchets, so they approach me as such. smh….


Not does only quality cost money, but it cost time, sacrifice, and more. That is what I’m looking for…QUALITY!
So, I would like to put on BLAST all of my awkward online dating moments…..HERE WE GO!!

Random Guy: Hey! – 10:37am
Me: Hi! – 12:37pm (2 hour delay due to home improvements)
12 hours later on a weekend….
Random Guy 1: Hey – 11:08pm
Me: Hi! Whatsup with texting so late? – 11:08pm
Random Guy 1: My bad, I sent that text hours ago. – 11:09pm
Me: Really? I never got it – 11:09pm
Random Guy 1: SILENCE – No response – 11:10pm and beyond….
E=MC Lies & B.S.

For ONE….I hate late night texts. You can hear my voice and call. Also, I have to wonder if you are involved with someone due to the fact that I only hear from you at night time. Most guys that text really late (i.e. 10pm and beyond) are horn dogs looking for a “cum dumpster” or have been playing the good boyfriend/husband role most of the day. And now you want to talk around midnight or a week later? I’ll pass….

Random Guy 2: Hey! – Look sweetheart I have to be honest with you….Currently I’m incarcerated but I get out soon. I hope you don’t judge me. Hope I can continue to get to know you.
Me: I don’t judge by no means, but I don’t think I want to pursue this.
Random Guy 2: Well I come home in November. I think if you get to know me more, you will see that was a mistake I will never make again.
Me: Question though….why would you have a OK Cupid page and you are locked up? Not trying to be rude or offensive by no means, but I would wait to pursue someone after I’m out.
Random Guy 2: SILENCE – No response…


Ok, another synopsis. I dated a jail bird back in 2008 and it was a nightmare. He stalked me after we broke up, threatened to kill me, major pot head/drug dealer, and always complained about how he couldn’t get a job because he had a felony. I don’t want to hear the garbage or deal with it. I’m not waiting for no jail bird!

Me: Congrats on almost being done with Nursing school!
Random Guy 3: Hey thank you!
Me: You are welcome! I have one more year of college so I feel your struggle.
Random Guy 3: What’s your major?
Me: Human Resources Management
Random Guy 3: Nice good choice, what are you doing?
Me: Just got home from my parents house. Just chilling.
Random Guy 3: Lol. I’m in bed trying to jack off before I pass out. lol.


Enough said with this b.s. scenario. Late night freak. Just cause you feel that way, don’t mean I do. Why does a convo about nursing school & HR make you horny?



Random Guy 4: how u doing sweetheart
Me: I’m good & you?
Random Guy 3: cant complain. u look very sexy in ur pix,if u dont mind me saying
Me: Thank you!
Random Guy 3: no prob,i meant it. so u into bisexual guys by any chance?
Me: Not really.
Random Guy 3: oh ok. well its really nothing serious for me,just to let u know. i like females much more. only turned bi a couple of years ago,used to be str8. But other than that,im all about females. honestly,if i had a wifey as beautiful as you,id never even look at another guy again,no bs. its not like its something i cant live without.


SSSSOOOOO……I’m all for whatever floats people’s boat, but…..I’m not getting with a dude that pumps cakes then wants to stick it in me. I’m sorry….

I’m scrolling through my phone to find the crazy message that sounded like a Zane book….lmao! But…I can’t find it…



Random Guy #5: Message #1 – first of alll, trying to generate a random conversation with a stranger in person is tough, let alone via online especially a dating site. I read your profile and would love to get to know you more here’s a random fact about me; I love to surf and being active, anything outside fishing running cycling also I help out with the children’s ministry at my church. I help with the puppet ministry and I volunteer with the homeless when I can. I work in the financial services industry. I help middle-income families save money and get out of debt. Mutual funds 401ks annuities educational funds things like that I truly love helping people. I also work part time for the school district in the special ed department as a special ed. one-on-one student aide. I would love to know how your weekend went hope you are having a great week.

P.s. By the way I think you’re one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen


Me: Thank you for your reply. You seem like a well-rounded gentleman. I like a lot of the qualities that you possess. As for me, I’m a Human Resources Manager for a Retail store and graduate from college this year or next year. I plan on going for my Master’s right after. Most of the time I’m working or going to school, but I enjoy getting out. I like beaches, art, traveling and more. I go to Vegas, or L.A. from time to time to get away from the busy hustle of my life.
I go to church every Sunday — actually my father is a pastor, so I’m pretty active in my church.
I look forward to speaking with you soon and maybe some phone conversations.

Random Guy #5: Hey You 🙂 sorry about the late response I’ve had a lot of catching up to do at work plus some family stuff going on I just wanted to see I didn’t forget about you and I hope you have a great day maybe I could give you a call sometime.

Ok….so…Latino guy, Christian, works in finance…PERFECT right? Well….he sent this message April 15th. Can you tell me what day it is today? I doubt if he died, but really? It’s been over 30 days….on to the next. You win some, you lose some right?

So, online dating feels like a battlefield. It’s shady and not stable. At the end of the day, even if I don’t find true love on here, which I probably won’t, I will have a man worthy of my love, affection, and embraces quality. On the other end, I will continue to have standards. I know what I deserve and I deserve the best!
daddy  standards

On the Straight and Narrow Path


It’s good to be back! I intended to write this blog when I hit one year, which was October 2014, but I started a new job, continuing my education (one more year of college), and getting into other things that basically got in the way (church, yard work, projects, you name it).

When I first made the decision to stop having sex, it was very scary. I had plenty of late nights with Moscato, insomnia, and Mr. Newport.

insomnia     newports

Sex to me was a drug that I didn’t want to give up.


I enjoyed the kissing, touching rubbing, and OMG…the smell of it! It gave me the greatest rush, but the haze of ecstasy soon faded away and my reality was just a nightmare waiting to happen.

My main reason was because of all the crap I was dealing with trying to date (and get laid of course) after my divorce. I don’t know if I was wearing my internal organs on my sleeve (crossing my fingers for love) or I was looking for something that I would never get (non-stop and endless sex). Either way, I suffered the crash and burn and decided to make a change…and QUICK!

Now I’m at 17 months and my reasons for not having sex has changed. Of course, the “dating jungle” of hell is one of the reasons, but this year, I have decided to press into God more. I went to a Women’s Conference last week and it put a fire in me. I know this might sound crazy to some, but attending that conference gave me a desire to follow God more and also, I know that there is someone out there for me.

Now…let me also explain…am I a Saint?

………….um no. Some Christians beg to differ, but I still have my “alone” time (ya’ll know what I’m talking about), which I think is healthy, or maybe I’m really wrong.

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As you can see, I’m very sexual person and have no issues being in tune or at one with myself in this area. I relieve stress, tension, and sleep better when those “personal moments” occur. Don’t judge me ok?!? Thanks! : ) But….it feels great and my emotions aren’t tied to some man. Did I mention my mind races like a horny teenage boy 24/7? Sex is on my mind a lot, but at the same time, I’m not out searching for it like I did 2+ years ago. I don’t want to deal with the heartache, pain, and games that go along with it. It’s just too much, even though it’s AWESOME!!!!!!

Of course, the road will never be easy. I had a few bumps on the road (a.k.a. Temptation)

between October and December of 2014. For some odd and apparent reason, I tried online dating, which was a nightmare (one of my dates was still married — (yikes)!!online

Then some random guy that has no job keeps asking if I need company at my place so he can move in. We got into the biggest debate about going to church, hypocrites, and the like. He eventually left me alone though, which was great for me. No deadbeats and losers in my life.
Then, (sigh) I had some weirdo co-worker wanting to “date” me, but is still married as well (there were so many wrongs with that situation. So glad I didn’t or want to go there — yuck!!!!!).

fat guy
That situation turned from something as to long conversations about fluoride in the water, why I’m celibate, to trying to get me in the bed, and lastly, bragging that we actually “did the deed” to an old co-worker. First off….very childish, especially from a 36 year old man, who claims not to be married and all of this other crap. Secondly, the reason why I would NEVER date a co-worker. Whatever I do on my personal time, I don’t need it broadcasted at work, whether it happened or not (it didn’t though). Lastly, how in the heck is someone going to be 300+ lbs. and try to play someone. WTH?!?! Sorry….thanks for playing! Anyway. I don’t have any hard feelings, but for some reason he still does. Not my problem! But at the same time, my parents always taught me to be careful who I associate with. Just hanging out with this person and talking to him caused a lot of issues in the professional arena and stress for me. I couldn’t believe all of this drama would start over talking or hanging out with someone. I definitely learned from this situation and keep to myself.

Was the whole online dating move a little desperate? Yes. Am I going to be alone forever and die alone? Probably not. I believe true love and patience takes time. Anything you want to be successful and real is never easy. The road will be weary, tiresome, miserable, and plenty of other things, but if you keep pushing, you will finally get there.

So…I’m still continuing on this journey of abstaining and staying away from the drama and hell. Right now, a relationships doesn’t seem to ever work, so I am totally focusing on me….it’s not too bad. It gets easier by the day.

So….I’ve been on my new job for almost 90 days and have less than 50 credits left before I graduate college. Everything around me has been fast paced, but also boring at the same time. I was talking to a guy friend of mine the other night on about how the Army was so fast paced, but now I feel like my life is dragging. I need more spontateity and excitement (but I’m not going back in the Army —– that’s for sure). Road trip?!?!?!

road trip

Also, as you know, I’ve been on the Celibacy Journey, and its been a year, which is pretty exciting, but also devastating. My decision to go celibate was due to my divorce and all the bs drama with dating and friends with benefits. That “benefit” is non-existent in 2014 & 2015, so I had to make some decisions for my well-being, sanity, and heart.


My hormones have been going crazy (I guess weekend episodes of Gigolos does not help) and I feel like I really can’t do much about it! Celibacy reminds me of a gigantic triumph, but at the same time….SEX WOULD BE SO AWESOME!!! I swear to God that for the last few months, I though about escorts and companionship. It does not have to be all about sex, but I believe money is power. With that, you can control how situations should be. Plus, I think it’s awesome to be like, “I paid for that.” : )

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You would think that I’m on an Air Force Base and would have a date or something….yeah right?!?! I have 0 game on base. I check out military guys + contractors staring at my boobs and butt when I walk around, but no one has the balls to ask for my number or take me out on a date. So….I decided to do…..(Drum roll)…..ONLINE DATING!!!!


My first online dating encounter was in 2005 (right before I joined the Army). I met this guy named *Steve. He was a radio host in New Mexico, graduated with his Journalism degree, Christian, and adventurous. He enjoyed Skydiving, swimming etc. We talk online first, which leads to the phone, and lastly, he wants to fly out to California for a visit. I’m all ecstatic and make sure my hair and nails are all “did” for the “big” day.

audrey mani

I met *Steve during 4th of July weekend and it was a bummer! OMG! He was really pale and fat (I have nothing against white guys, but can you get a tan?!?!)!!! Not so much fat, but you can tell he has not been in the gym for a minute. He was also cheap, which means we did not go anywhere to eat or to get away from the house. My mom and I slaved in the kitchen for him to eat a nice meal. Lastly, when he realized I was not feeling him “that way”, his “f” buddy called him and he made sure the phone was on speaker so I could here her. Finally, when my Dad got into it about religious topics, I was done and ready for him to get back on that plane.

He later e-mailed me and said I was beautiful and come from a good home, but too independent for him. I need to be more….humble. WOW! It’s funny cause I’ve heard that a million times since 2005 and it’s very unfortunate that men feel this way. What happened to a man wanting a woman with ambition; his equal?


Back to the online dating thing….it’s kind of slow in my opinion. I have some guys pop up for awhile and fade or the occasional passerby’s. They say they are looking for something real, but it’s a joke. Some guys though are really cool to talk to and all. Lastly, I’ve had the weirdos that ask, “What kind of panties are you wearing?” or “I’m about to jack off. What are you doing?” Really….WTF?!? I definitely feel like I’m in the HUNGER GAMES.