Tag Archives: Drake

Almost Doesn’t Count

(Continuation to “Lames”)

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I wish I could say that I finally have love cornered against the wall. or the fact that I’m absolutely bulletproof, but ladies and gentlemen…I am neither.

titanium

So, I take my co-workers advice and start an E-Harmony account. This will be my last and final shimmery hope of online dating. Silly me though….I made the mistake of getting a year account, which was $200! I thought I would get credited $20 per month out of my account. So much for my Loan bill….ugh…..

Two days on E-Harmony, I get a smile and a message from a handsome, Latino gentleman from Las Vegas — did I mention he is a Christian too. So now, I’m all pumped up and excited. He sends me 5 questions and I do the same. I get a message a few days later stating, “You are very beautiful and I would like to get to know you better.” I message him my phone number and I get an instant text saying, “Hi, this is Sergio*”

My conversations with Sergio turned from texting to straight up FaceTime. I finally got to see his face compared to the pictures and he looks the rapper Pit Bull!

pitbull

He was also a Christian and seemed respectful, so I’m relieved that I’m finally talking to a gentleman. Even though we live 3 hours away, we agreed that I would come out there in mid-July to see if we will work out (first date compatibility). I did not want him to come out to my town because it’s boring and absolutely nothing to do. Vegas seems way much better!

VEGAS 1 VEGAS 2 VEGAS 3

So one night, we are doing Facetime and I said, “I submitted my leave in for mid-July and awaiting approval. I am going to go ahead and start looking at hotels.” Sergio says, “Why get a hotel? You can stay at my place.” I got one of those HOLD UP….WTF moments again….ugh….why!

no you didn't

I kindly said, “I would prefer to stay in a hotel since we are meeting each other for the first time. Plus, I’m celibate and looking for something serious. I just don’t think it would be a good idea to stay at your place.” He said, “I’m sorry. Did I offend you?” I said, “No, I am just playing it safe.”

As the days went on, I noticed our conversations lessened a bit, but he was still texting (I was too), so I didn’t get worried. During my business trip, I asked, “Do you want to talk tonight?” Then, I fell asleep. I woke up to a text saying, “I called you.” I’m like, “No you didn’t. Try again.” Since I was staying in a hotel at an Army base, the reception is TERRIBLE. So for 30 minutes we tried getting in touch with each other. Now, I’ll be honest….I LOVE MAKEUP and I’m very high maintenance.

FLOWER CHILD  cat eyes

This time, I had NO MAKEUP on. I thought “bump it.” I can’t be made up all the time. I want to be honest and real with this guy. I will never look like a model 24/7.

natural 2 natural

So, when he sees me on Facetime, he doesn’t look too happy. He could not get off of Facetime any faster. So I’m thinking, “Dang, did I look that bad?”

After our Facetime mishap, I got lesser texts than before. He used to call me “doll.” I wasn’t even getting that anymore. The last text I received from him was this past Friday which was, “Good Morning.” I texted back, “How are you?” and that was it. I didn’t get a reply or anything.

So, I had a pep talk with my mom about the strange events between Sergio and I. She felt like he is not talking much over the hotel issue. I did tell her that the talks became less over the hotel comment. My Dad laughed because he knew what was up.

So, there is this page on Facebook called RTAR (Real Talk About Relationships). I posted my current situation about Sergio and wanted to know what would be my next move. I heard different replies such as, “I wouldn’t go to Vegas now.”, “He’s after booty. Leave that alone.”, “Girl, I would go by myself and ‘turn up'”, and lastly, “You aren’t giving him a chance. Maybe call him and see what happens.” I know he was currently working on a boxing project involving Mayweather and I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, but something in me didn’t settle right. A gentleman on the RTAR page gave me the best advice ever!

Mr. Terrence –
Good morning Tijera, to be honest with you he sees you as an out-of-town booty call, no man with any respect, decency, or common courtesy would pull that old school move. It’s the oldest trick in the book to extend his place to you, to lessen the burden of having to spend money for a hotel room. Tijera, I have two beautiful daughters like yourself and trust me they were well educated about scenarios like this. The reason he slowed down the communication is by design and with a purpose. First one is to make you feel guilty by flipping the script on you for not wanting to stay at his house on your first visit. Secondly, this is a way for him to end the relationship on his terms. Finally, he’s trying to wait and feel you out so he can apologize for his mistake for not respecting your wishes in the beginning. Tijera, he his already showing no respect in the early stages of your friendship how can you trust him in a long term relationship? Trust your instinct and your heart, communication is the key for all aspects of life. You deserve the best don’t settle for less make these men earn your love, heart, and trust please.
instinct
So, Saturday morning, I woke up and decided to call him and try — even though deep down I knew that I wouldn’t probably here from him anymore and my gut instinct was right about everything.

k. michelle phone

I mostly don’t do this (phone call dudes or blow up their phone) and I did not get the normal “Good Morning” text I would always get from, but I needed closure. This situation was frustrating me because I felt like I didn’t do anything wrong and this was a classic game.

So, I called and said, “Hey Sergio! This is Tijera. I hope your project is going well and I we haven’t talked in a few days, so I hope everything is good with you. Hit me up when you get a chance.” Ladies and gentleman…I didn’t get a call back or text and that was my signal. Silence from someone can give you the best and ONLY answer….move on! I have so much to do, I have to carry on.

The normal reaction for me is to get down a bit, which I did because I’m just tired of games.

text

I’m in my 30’s and actually looking for something real. I’m not about sex (like I was in my 20’s or after my divorce) or treating people bad (asking for money and using dudes). I’m not the type of woman to ask about light bill or gas money and not even know the dude.

time

One thing I notice about men these days is that they say they can handle and independent, self-made woman who has her own, but deep down they feel like they are losing control or don’t feel deserving of me, which again is not my problem. I would rather rise with someone, then have to drag them all over the place. What happened to “power couples?”

I don’t deserve it
She’s just a little too perfect
She’s just a little too worth it
I don’t deserve her at all, no not at all
I only text her, man I never call
I’m still a canine at heart, I’m a dog

Company ~ Drake

drake

On the other end, I don’t need a man inquiring about booty and not wanting to get to know me. These times are definitely rough. Money and sex are the main motivation instead of love. In my personal and humble opinion, he could be talking to more than one girl. In these situations, the sluttiest one WINS! I just want something real, even though I have some days when I want to give up and just get laid. I am starting to feel that being the “good girl” and doing the right thing sometimes takes a toll. I feel like I’m finishing last.

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“To be honest I find it hard to believe that there’s someone out there that would be able to spend the rest of their life with me.”

~Rihanna

It took me a day or two to realize that I didn’t do anything wrong and I walked away proudly (again for the millionth time). I don’t have to text him constantly or get “ratchet.” Sometimes I let things get to me or think I’m not good enough. I think I have something (relationship/love) in the bag, but it slips out of my hands. You know what though? It’s his lost & his problem, not mine. I don’t have time for games & bs. In all honesty, I’d rather would of respected Sergio more if he was honest & said that I wasn’t the girl he wanted or didn’t want to wait. Instead, he went away silently and faded into the black. It goes to show you that he wasn’t man enough for me. I shouldn’t have to lower my standards or act like a loose whore to get a man’s attention.

smart

nice guy - aholes

So instead of focusing on stupid men and games, I’m taking that different “angle” and it feels good. I’m getting caught up at work & 9 classes left until my Bachelor’s degree. I just try and keep my mind & motivation on the REAL things that matter!

wednesday    baby girl focus

Hopefully one day I get to finally achieve what I want in love!

relationship goals interracial

Tijera
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More 2 Life

Some days and nights, I feel the worst, and sometimes I feel at my best. Tonight though…I definitely need to get some things off my chest.

For the most part, I feel like my world has stopped; a complete HALT, which isn’t a good feeling….I dream to hustle 💯, and hustle to follow my dreams. It never seems like it’s enough for me. I feel like my hometown and current way of life is basically “checking in, but never checking out.” Can you say “Hotel California?” lol

FIRE

I work my 9-5, then do my 6-midnight shift of Youtube videos, boredom, and sometimes homework assignments that I turn in late, but all I really want is a date.

date

While I’m sitting at home drinking a glass of wine and listening to Drake all alone,

drake and drive

I wish the man of my dreams would just call me on my phone. But I guess he isn’t down for the cause…or does he even exist? I’m doing the “lookingforloveonline” surfing, but somedays….I don’t think it’s working. So I’m in celibacy/I have standards/lonely purgatory or HELL for the moment.

The world is imaginative, mysterious, and a huge place I need to explore,

dentist-las-vegas-nv2        portofino

tokyo

but my day-to-day life is such a bore and every little thing I do feels like a chore. But I definitely know that in this life….there is more to it than meets the eye. Right now, time is passing me by, which shouldn’t be happening. I can blame it on my job, my education, or even my God forsaken town, but at the end of the day, it’s up to me.

Destiny and adventure are the keys given to me, I just haven’t used them yet.

destiny-quotes-2

Tijera

“Dear Self”

May 2013

Tijera,

I wrote this letter to make you think about the things you have been going through lately. Right now, you are more vulnerable and sensitive than ever before. You gave your ALL to a man that could not give you the same. Your heart feels battered and your soul feels torn to pieces.

But the question I have for you is this, “Why do you keep displaying yourself to individuals that have such a wretched and dysfunctional personality?” I know every human being in this cold-hearted universe wants love, but your ways seem so masochist and self-destructive. You are on a very detrimental path that will lead to chaos of the heart and soul. It wrecks havoc on your very being. Also, it will affect your joy, passions, and dreams.

STOP feeling like you deserve to be with someone. You are very deserving, but you need to figure yourself out first and move on. It is not time to love someone right now. Your heart needs to heal from the war it just endured. You can’t keep sending an injured soldier to the battlefield. He/she has to rest and recover.

The love of Christ in YOU is what makes you beautiful, delicate, and a conqueror. You do not need any man that will ruin your self-esteem, beauty, confidence, and soul just to acquire the best thing(s) you possess. Your love, intelligence, innermost thoughts, and dreams are your best qualities. No man in this world should EVER tell you lies, so he can take advantage, and crush you.

Hopefully, you have learned from all of this and stop bumping your head against the wall with tears rolling down you face.

Love,

Your Wonderful, Confident, and Sexy S-E-L-F

EXCERPT

Boy, was this a hard time for me (2012 – 2013)! My (ex) husband packed his bags around the holidays (see post “Do 4 Love”) and I decided divorce would be the best option. I did really good in terms of not missing him and keeping myself occupied with school (other things such as exercise and B&N).

Once Valentine’s day hit, I was a WRECK!! I took myself out to dinner, but something was still missing.

stfu

Anyways, it felt like I hit “rock-bottom” and called my so-called friends for advice. They told me to get laid, and I’m thinking, “No, it’s been 3 months and your still MARRIED. I’m doing real good by not jumping in the bed with anyone.” Well…LUST won this situation and I got tied up with *Tony, who was a co-worker that had a “jones” for me (a 6 month crush). This led to making out in his office at work, to close encounters in my apartment, to a movie date and full-blown sex. It was everything I expected….AMAZING! And he was Puerto Rican….LORD JESUS!!!

pr

Even though Tony was not mine and I try not to catch feelings, the way he held my hand and kissed me felt good. It was what I needed at the time…or so I thought….

Well, the glitter starts to fade and we talk (or text), but not that much. I confided in a friend (we will call her *Jody) about our situation and she talked about how Tony (my “smash buddy”) is a sweetheart and she’ll talk to him about what’s going on between us and such.

Tip #1: If your friend or someone else has to intervene in a situation/relationship, it’s already going down hill. You should have the balls to talk about things…or at least he should.

One night me and Jody were at the local Wal-Mart and I kept asking her about him. She said I’m stuck on him too much and need to move on. Then Jody tells me he takes “Designer Drugs” (SPICE) and is sleeping with other girls. OMG!!!

spice

Now, my (other) friends that advised me to get laid were now saying, “Girl you moved too fast and shouldn’t of messed with him.” , “He’s from Philly, guys from there ain’t s#%@, “All you got was some good d%@$ and a I-pod…LMAO!!!”, and “You were so stupid!” Bitch what!?!?!?!? Then one of  them said, “Don’t feel played cause you enjoyed the sex just as much as he did.” Really?!?! So much for friends!

fu

I really start to feel some type of way about all of this. It just drove me up the wall. Not cause I wanted to squeeze his hand until it exploded or date him, I enjoyed talking to him and wanted to keep having sex. SEX was on my mind 24/7!!! My ex stopped sleeping with me after Thanksgiving 2013 (I was on a 3 month drought before Tony) , so the desire to  “smash” became my “designer drug.” No matter how many times I listened Rihanna or to “Kitty Kat” by Beyonce’ as a “pick-me-up”, I still felt used, played, and lied to. I need to channel B or RiRi’s confidence, but I just felt so torn and worn out. Then I got into the “Drake” modes which had me crying and rolling all over my apartment floor. Tony also gave me his I-pod to borrow, which had lots of Drake, so I zoned out into sadness and despair.

bday  beyonce

As time went on we drifted apart big time. We had sex a few more times (4 total) and then…Tony didn’t want it anymore. I even offered to give him “head” and he declined (what crazy guy does that?!?!)! I thought I wasn’t pretty enough or whatever but he kept saying it was him and not me….blah, blah, blah. All of the sudden, he had an issue with me still being married, even though he knew all of this when we decided to talk more and I was filing for divorce (I never saw my ex after he left in December). More and more things came up that he disliked so our little “thing.” could just end. Tony’s favorite phrase was, “It’s not like that, but….” So…what is it like MF!?!?!?

I remember calling my mom in tears (It was hysterical and dramatic. I could of won an Oscar).

oscar

Well what does Mom do? She tries to help but I keep hearing, “I told you so”, “It’s your fault. How could you fall for that”, and “No matter what they tell you, everything changes after sex.” I felt like I was hit by a train. I needed support. Well, Daddy got on the phone and I was relieved. He told me everything Mom said in a cool and collective way. He also prayed with me and I felt a lot better, but still troubled. I felt weak and useless.

Before he left for Germany, Tony apologized in a weird way (by accusing me of being clingy or crazy. I wanted d@$% guy, not marriage), but admitted that he and Jody had sex before! You would of thought Hiroshima went off in my head.  I was PISSED, but also hurt.

kelis

“I hate you so much right now…AAAAAAHHHHHH!” – Caught Out There, Kelis

I knew something was wrong when she had Fire Guard Duty in his dorm/barracks and he let her spend the night in his room. How are you gonna tell me Tony isn’t s%@$, and all these other things but you sat on his d#$^ a couple of times?  I told Tony I wouldn’t tell her, because we would of all been in a whirlwind of drama (you cannot be involved with other people while being in the military and married. Even though I was separated, Tony and I could of lost our military careers.), but I blasted Jody a few weeks later. Of all things, Jody was married (a very rocky marriage), sleeping with different guys on the base, had an abortion (the baby was by her recent “FWB” who was still married) and visiting her husband on the weekends. And she only dated or slept with black dudes?!? Yeah right! I hate having “left-over” men. I don’t want to know my friend slept with you, but I’m glad I did. That’s why the little heifer was blocking and always “downing” him. He ain’t s$%^ or innocent either.

But, I did make some mistakes in all of this. I learned that vulnerability will get you in HOT WATER! I should of healed instead of jumping head first into anything. Guys prey off sensitivity and vulnerability. I guess I forgot the “GAME” after being with the same man for 5 years. They will lie, rob, cheat, or steal, to get what they want from you (between your legs). The experience will be heaven, but then change from purgatory to HELL in a matter of days, weeks, or months.

On the other hand….Karma is a $@%#&!!! That’s another blog.

karma

Still didn’t learn my lesson. I had a few one-night stands and made other stupid mistakes. After a few months, I realized the “GAME” is more jacked up than it was 5-8 years ago. I went from married to night stalker. I just didn’t understand how guys change after sex. Was it bad, me, my body, etc.? After a while, I realized…it was not me. They got what they wanted and were done. It’s evil and sad, but guess what????….THE TRUTH HURTS!!! And all I wanted was sex….not a relationship, but you can’t even have a “Friends with benefits” these days (FWB is nothing but a “situationship.”) What hurts my feelings are lies. I HATE LIARS (see my post, “In My Humble Opinion”, Your so THOTFUL)! What woman keeps getting denied of sex? The answer to this question is getting sex was not the issue, but getting sex from the same person multiple times was. I refused to be with 20 guys within a 3 month period, I needed to figure out something quick to ease my mind from the pain and confusion I was feeling. One things for sure, sex without love damages the heart and soul. Sometimes, they will NEVER recover, but was I too late?!?

one night stand  heartbreak

So, October 2013, I decided to go celibate. This was not the easiest decision, but I needed to heal my heart and mind from all the garbage of my marriage and escapades. No more bed hopping for me, but soul searching. Also, it was for religious purposes. Now I think about it and I should of waited until I got married. This whole dating, smashing, and other useless love news is garbage!

celibate

The first 6 months was hell!!! I almost gave in around month #4 to some $@#hole I messed with right before I went celibate. I’m glad I didn’t. He tried to sleep with my roommate, neighbor, and has a GF who was 6 months pregnant. Of course he lied and said he was single! Again, can we all be adults about “sexual needs” and stop lying?!?

None of my friends agreed to what I was doing and I had a roommate who had a dude every night. It was like a total of 12  by the time she moved out. Then my whorish neighbor would have sex upstairs and then chat with me the next day about changing my mind about celibacy and just having fun. Now, I don’t judge, but don’t get upset when I decide to make a difference. She was a little snake cause the guy I just mentioned with the GF…well…she egged a lot of stuff on one night at a club and she wanted to mess with him too. It was a big mess and I also learned a lesson – STAY ON THE RIGHT TRACK!!!! I did the right thing and thank you *Tasha for being a “attention” whore.” Your acts turned me off to Mr. $@#hole and I went to bed…ALONE! The best thing for me! Plus I was crazy drunk. I remember vomiting the next morning…eeeeeewwww! I didn’t need to do anything with anyone that night.

So, It’s been almost a year and I’m actually happy (I have my days). I don’t know the pleasure or pain side of having sex because I really don’t care. Ok…let me re-phrase that. I miss it sometimes, but the drama ALWAYS outweighs the sex. Now I can walk away with my dignity instead of a man walking away with my heart. Best believe!

XOXO,

Tijera

“In My Humble Opinion (Pt. 1), “Your so THOTFUL”

September 1, 2013

“You’re so bad [boy], your’re so awful…We aren’t in this for commitment…”

“Thotful” by Drake (2014).

drake

HELL is other people”

Jean-Paul Sartre

hell

The real question is…why are MEN the way they are? I guess I need to explain my question some more…lol.

question

Some say, well most men would say they are simple and easy to understand, but I beg to differ. Lying and having excuses for EVERYTHING is unacceptable. I shouldn’t expect this behavior from grown and consenting adults. These days, men are not even honest or straight forward about friends with benefits.

“An excuse is a reason stuffed with a lie.” – Rihanna

fwb  sex

When I first joined the military, lost my virginity in 2006, and got to the point where relationships were overrated, this deal right here (“fwb”) was the best thing smokin’. Now the friends with benefits ordeal is tainted, complicated, and becoming extinct like chivalry. The best way I can describe it now would be more like a freakin’ “situationship” with catching feelings and broken hearts. Guys “smashing” once and never hearing a word from them EVER again (some instances, they are #$%&ing your friend or your apartment neighbor!! They know it was a a-hole move, so they disappear. #TRUE STORY). The KICKER for me is a guy wanting you to be a “fwb” but is married with children! How are you going to lie about being single when your not?!?! WOW!

I thought sex was suppose to be fun and drama-free?!?!? It’s sad that one can get played without desiring a relationship. Just smash , go home, then I call you (or you call) again next week for another round.

sex  bootygirl fight

WTF is wrong with this world?!?!?!?

scream

If I wanted to have sex or “smash” one time and thought fondly about the experience, I could of had a one night stand and been done with it…JESUS!

one night stand  ons

Best believe, I have stories I can pull out of my butt-hole of the b.s. I have went through in the name of SEX and a damn CLIMAX! I started to question myself about my sexual performance, body type, hygiene, etc. I decided I cannot let someone’s issues make me insecure. Some guys just want to conquer, score, or have ulterior motives (why the hidden bull #@$%???). It’s THEIR PROBLEM, not mine.

body

“Situationship” Song:

“Catch No Feelings” by Drake feat. Andre’ 3000 (2014)

At the end of the day, I feel like I do not need the b.s. in my life. This chick right here is binding her #%$@ (kitty kat) up like a chastity belt.

beltNO  heartbreak

I value myself way too much, no matter how many sexual needs, urges, or desires I have from here on out. #TEAM TIJERA

Today’s definitive conclusion about humanity…..

dueces   boo  Rihanna-1_zpsf9316465