Tag Archives: Christianity

Almost Doesn’t Count

(Continuation to “Lames”)

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I wish I could say that I finally have love cornered against the wall. or the fact that I’m absolutely bulletproof, but ladies and gentlemen…I am neither.

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So, I take my co-workers advice and start an E-Harmony account. This will be my last and final shimmery hope of online dating. Silly me though….I made the mistake of getting a year account, which was $200! I thought I would get credited $20 per month out of my account. So much for my Loan bill….ugh…..

Two days on E-Harmony, I get a smile and a message from a handsome, Latino gentleman from Las Vegas — did I mention he is a Christian too. So now, I’m all pumped up and excited. He sends me 5 questions and I do the same. I get a message a few days later stating, “You are very beautiful and I would like to get to know you better.” I message him my phone number and I get an instant text saying, “Hi, this is Sergio*”

My conversations with Sergio turned from texting to straight up FaceTime. I finally got to see his face compared to the pictures and he looks the rapper Pit Bull!

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He was also a Christian and seemed respectful, so I’m relieved that I’m finally talking to a gentleman. Even though we live 3 hours away, we agreed that I would come out there in mid-July to see if we will work out (first date compatibility). I did not want him to come out to my town because it’s boring and absolutely nothing to do. Vegas seems way much better!

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So one night, we are doing Facetime and I said, “I submitted my leave in for mid-July and awaiting approval. I am going to go ahead and start looking at hotels.” Sergio says, “Why get a hotel? You can stay at my place.” I got one of those HOLD UP….WTF moments again….ugh….why!

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I kindly said, “I would prefer to stay in a hotel since we are meeting each other for the first time. Plus, I’m celibate and looking for something serious. I just don’t think it would be a good idea to stay at your place.” He said, “I’m sorry. Did I offend you?” I said, “No, I am just playing it safe.”

As the days went on, I noticed our conversations lessened a bit, but he was still texting (I was too), so I didn’t get worried. During my business trip, I asked, “Do you want to talk tonight?” Then, I fell asleep. I woke up to a text saying, “I called you.” I’m like, “No you didn’t. Try again.” Since I was staying in a hotel at an Army base, the reception is TERRIBLE. So for 30 minutes we tried getting in touch with each other. Now, I’ll be honest….I LOVE MAKEUP and I’m very high maintenance.

FLOWER CHILD  cat eyes

This time, I had NO MAKEUP on. I thought “bump it.” I can’t be made up all the time. I want to be honest and real with this guy. I will never look like a model 24/7.

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So, when he sees me on Facetime, he doesn’t look too happy. He could not get off of Facetime any faster. So I’m thinking, “Dang, did I look that bad?”

After our Facetime mishap, I got lesser texts than before. He used to call me “doll.” I wasn’t even getting that anymore. The last text I received from him was this past Friday which was, “Good Morning.” I texted back, “How are you?” and that was it. I didn’t get a reply or anything.

So, I had a pep talk with my mom about the strange events between Sergio and I. She felt like he is not talking much over the hotel issue. I did tell her that the talks became less over the hotel comment. My Dad laughed because he knew what was up.

So, there is this page on Facebook called RTAR (Real Talk About Relationships). I posted my current situation about Sergio and wanted to know what would be my next move. I heard different replies such as, “I wouldn’t go to Vegas now.”, “He’s after booty. Leave that alone.”, “Girl, I would go by myself and ‘turn up'”, and lastly, “You aren’t giving him a chance. Maybe call him and see what happens.” I know he was currently working on a boxing project involving Mayweather and I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, but something in me didn’t settle right. A gentleman on the RTAR page gave me the best advice ever!

Mr. Terrence –
Good morning Tijera, to be honest with you he sees you as an out-of-town booty call, no man with any respect, decency, or common courtesy would pull that old school move. It’s the oldest trick in the book to extend his place to you, to lessen the burden of having to spend money for a hotel room. Tijera, I have two beautiful daughters like yourself and trust me they were well educated about scenarios like this. The reason he slowed down the communication is by design and with a purpose. First one is to make you feel guilty by flipping the script on you for not wanting to stay at his house on your first visit. Secondly, this is a way for him to end the relationship on his terms. Finally, he’s trying to wait and feel you out so he can apologize for his mistake for not respecting your wishes in the beginning. Tijera, he his already showing no respect in the early stages of your friendship how can you trust him in a long term relationship? Trust your instinct and your heart, communication is the key for all aspects of life. You deserve the best don’t settle for less make these men earn your love, heart, and trust please.
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So, Saturday morning, I woke up and decided to call him and try — even though deep down I knew that I wouldn’t probably here from him anymore and my gut instinct was right about everything.

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I mostly don’t do this (phone call dudes or blow up their phone) and I did not get the normal “Good Morning” text I would always get from, but I needed closure. This situation was frustrating me because I felt like I didn’t do anything wrong and this was a classic game.

So, I called and said, “Hey Sergio! This is Tijera. I hope your project is going well and I we haven’t talked in a few days, so I hope everything is good with you. Hit me up when you get a chance.” Ladies and gentleman…I didn’t get a call back or text and that was my signal. Silence from someone can give you the best and ONLY answer….move on! I have so much to do, I have to carry on.

The normal reaction for me is to get down a bit, which I did because I’m just tired of games.

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I’m in my 30’s and actually looking for something real. I’m not about sex (like I was in my 20’s or after my divorce) or treating people bad (asking for money and using dudes). I’m not the type of woman to ask about light bill or gas money and not even know the dude.

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One thing I notice about men these days is that they say they can handle and independent, self-made woman who has her own, but deep down they feel like they are losing control or don’t feel deserving of me, which again is not my problem. I would rather rise with someone, then have to drag them all over the place. What happened to “power couples?”

I don’t deserve it
She’s just a little too perfect
She’s just a little too worth it
I don’t deserve her at all, no not at all
I only text her, man I never call
I’m still a canine at heart, I’m a dog

Company ~ Drake

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On the other end, I don’t need a man inquiring about booty and not wanting to get to know me. These times are definitely rough. Money and sex are the main motivation instead of love. In my personal and humble opinion, he could be talking to more than one girl. In these situations, the sluttiest one WINS! I just want something real, even though I have some days when I want to give up and just get laid. I am starting to feel that being the “good girl” and doing the right thing sometimes takes a toll. I feel like I’m finishing last.

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“To be honest I find it hard to believe that there’s someone out there that would be able to spend the rest of their life with me.”

~Rihanna

It took me a day or two to realize that I didn’t do anything wrong and I walked away proudly (again for the millionth time). I don’t have to text him constantly or get “ratchet.” Sometimes I let things get to me or think I’m not good enough. I think I have something (relationship/love) in the bag, but it slips out of my hands. You know what though? It’s his lost & his problem, not mine. I don’t have time for games & bs. In all honesty, I’d rather would of respected Sergio more if he was honest & said that I wasn’t the girl he wanted or didn’t want to wait. Instead, he went away silently and faded into the black. It goes to show you that he wasn’t man enough for me. I shouldn’t have to lower my standards or act like a loose whore to get a man’s attention.

smart

nice guy - aholes

So instead of focusing on stupid men and games, I’m taking that different “angle” and it feels good. I’m getting caught up at work & 9 classes left until my Bachelor’s degree. I just try and keep my mind & motivation on the REAL things that matter!

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Hopefully one day I get to finally achieve what I want in love!

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Tijera
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On the Straight and Narrow Path

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It’s good to be back! I intended to write this blog when I hit one year, which was October 2014, but I started a new job, continuing my education (one more year of college), and getting into other things that basically got in the way (church, yard work, projects, you name it).

When I first made the decision to stop having sex, it was very scary. I had plenty of late nights with Moscato, insomnia, and Mr. Newport.

insomnia     newports

Sex to me was a drug that I didn’t want to give up.

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I enjoyed the kissing, touching rubbing, and OMG…the smell of it! It gave me the greatest rush, but the haze of ecstasy soon faded away and my reality was just a nightmare waiting to happen.

My main reason was because of all the crap I was dealing with trying to date (and get laid of course) after my divorce. I don’t know if I was wearing my internal organs on my sleeve (crossing my fingers for love) or I was looking for something that I would never get (non-stop and endless sex). Either way, I suffered the crash and burn and decided to make a change…and QUICK!

Now I’m at 17 months and my reasons for not having sex has changed. Of course, the “dating jungle” of hell is one of the reasons, but this year, I have decided to press into God more. I went to a Women’s Conference last week and it put a fire in me. I know this might sound crazy to some, but attending that conference gave me a desire to follow God more and also, I know that there is someone out there for me.

Now…let me also explain…am I a Saint?

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………….um no. Some Christians beg to differ, but I still have my “alone” time (ya’ll know what I’m talking about), which I think is healthy, or maybe I’m really wrong.

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As you can see, I’m very sexual person and have no issues being in tune or at one with myself in this area. I relieve stress, tension, and sleep better when those “personal moments” occur. Don’t judge me ok?!? Thanks! : ) But….it feels great and my emotions aren’t tied to some man. Did I mention my mind races like a horny teenage boy 24/7? Sex is on my mind a lot, but at the same time, I’m not out searching for it like I did 2+ years ago. I don’t want to deal with the heartache, pain, and games that go along with it. It’s just too much, even though it’s AWESOME!!!!!!

Of course, the road will never be easy. I had a few bumps on the road (a.k.a. Temptation)

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between October and December of 2014. For some odd and apparent reason, I tried online dating, which was a nightmare (one of my dates was still married — (yikes)!!online

Then some random guy that has no job keeps asking if I need company at my place so he can move in. We got into the biggest debate about going to church, hypocrites, and the like. He eventually left me alone though, which was great for me. No deadbeats and losers in my life.
Then, (sigh) I had some weirdo co-worker wanting to “date” me, but is still married as well (there were so many wrongs with that situation. So glad I didn’t or want to go there — yuck!!!!!).

fat guy
That situation turned from something as to long conversations about fluoride in the water, why I’m celibate, to trying to get me in the bed, and lastly, bragging that we actually “did the deed” to an old co-worker. First off….very childish, especially from a 36 year old man, who claims not to be married and all of this other crap. Secondly, the reason why I would NEVER date a co-worker. Whatever I do on my personal time, I don’t need it broadcasted at work, whether it happened or not (it didn’t though). Lastly, how in the heck is someone going to be 300+ lbs. and try to play someone. WTH?!?! Sorry….thanks for playing! Anyway. I don’t have any hard feelings, but for some reason he still does. Not my problem! But at the same time, my parents always taught me to be careful who I associate with. Just hanging out with this person and talking to him caused a lot of issues in the professional arena and stress for me. I couldn’t believe all of this drama would start over talking or hanging out with someone. I definitely learned from this situation and keep to myself.

Was the whole online dating move a little desperate? Yes. Am I going to be alone forever and die alone? Probably not. I believe true love and patience takes time. Anything you want to be successful and real is never easy. The road will be weary, tiresome, miserable, and plenty of other things, but if you keep pushing, you will finally get there.

So…I’m still continuing on this journey of abstaining and staying away from the drama and hell. Right now, a relationships doesn’t seem to ever work, so I am totally focusing on me….it’s not too bad. It gets easier by the day.

WHAT’S NEW?!?!?

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I’ve been away for too long! OMG!

I am doing well ladies and gentleman. I’ve been on my job as an HR Tech for 30 days and it’s been interesting. Sometimes I get intimidated because I’m actually in a management position and wonder, “Am I over my head?” or “Can I handle the position I’m in?” I really love my job, but I have so much to do. Each day is never the same. One day I might be doing paperwork for a disciplinary action, and the next day I’m interviewing candidates for a job position.

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I went to Fort Irwin, California (Army Base) for a few days to train, which was fun. No I didn’t hook up with anyone and get laid! The guys were hot, but I’m not feeling military men like I used to. Anyways, I learned a lot during my 2 days and I get some extra cash on my next paycheck. SWEET!

CAFTIboulders1_brown fort-irwin

With other things, I passed Algebra with a C, which I’m excited about, but I feel like my grade should of been better for the fact that I paid almost $800 in tutoring!!!! I’m not using him anymore cause he argued with me on my last day of tutoring and accused me of wanting the answers. DUDE….why would I drive 200 miles a week and pay $750 if I wanted the answers. Cheating would of been a lot cheaper…trust.

Cheating simpsons-cheating

On the the other hand , I’m back in college and taking Human Resources Management, which is up my alley. I should do well in this course.

I don’t want to jump the gun and say “I met someone”, but I think a guy at work has a “jones.” I’m glad he doesn’t work at the Exchange, but in one of the stores, which is a relief.

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Next thing you know, we are talking about the Lord and other things, which is rare to find other Christians in this world.

hey girl

I think he’s sweet, but I’m not going over my head. We are just friends and I see him whenever I do. I’ll be a classy and real lady if something comes between us, and if not, I’m going to move on and enjoy my life. Nothing is guaranteed!

I’m still waiting for the Fashion PR Confidential Workshop location so I can go ahead and purchase a hotel room. I’m excited about this workshop and I’ll find out if PR is for me or not….we shall see.

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So…these are the days of my life and I’m enjoying the ride.

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Tijera