Tag Archives: Celibacy

HOTEL CALIFORNIA – SMALL TOWN BLUES

July 3, 2015

I’m originally from Los Angeles, California.

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Around the age of 6 or 7, my parents decided to live in the Antelope Valley, which the real estate was cheaper and a better quality of living compared to the big city. Lancaster was the first stop. As a kid, it was difficult adjusting to the educational system. Around the early 90’s, there was a lot of racism in the school system from faculty and students alike. Even when I went to private school down the line, I felt like didn’t belong. People assumed that all black people were on welfare and ignorant, while my sister and I lived in a suburban neighborhood, talked proper, and dressed very nicely.

Next, my parents decided to move to California City in 1993.

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This was the first time they became homeowners. My Dad used his VA Loan, which helped out tremendously. At first, I enjoyed the country lifestyle and being able to play outside in the streets. Once I hit 13 or 14, I became highly annoyed, like I am now. I didn’t have too many friends. I was a nerd and most of my friends were military kids, so they moved away.

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I used to remember traveling to L.A. with my family and being fascinated with the big city life.

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I would have desires of graduating from college, owning my own home, living in the big city, and one day raising a family. I would always cry when we left L.A. because I knew what would be waiting for me in California City — no life!

Once I hit high school, my parents put me back in private school, which was a mistake (My mom and dad realized I was “boy crazy” and couldn’t imagine me being a teen mom). The school lowered their religious and moral standards, so any student was accepted. I would have girls threaten to fight me and everything. I decided to be home schooled around 10th grade and graduate early. I ended up working a few jobs such as a waitress, grocery store clerk, medical assistant, and then got laid off at my last job, which was working at a Chiropractor office. I decided right then and there that I needed some adventure and culture, so I swore in the U.S. Army in 2005 and headed out to Basic Training.

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Fast forward 9 years later, I moved back to my small town last year from the Army. I had a hard time with the divorce and the hectic Army schedule. It felt nice to finally be back at home in the arms of my family.

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(U.S. Air Force graphic)

I also landed a job 15 minutes away from my home and get to finally live in my house after 6 years. It’s been over a year and I’m starting to feel miserable. I live 45 minutes to 2 hours from all of the cities with action. My life mostly consist of work and college, which has been getting me down lately. I don’t feel motivated at all and feel like my whole life is dedicated to working hard to make a living for myself and to maintain my independence. Some days, I want to cry or punch a hole in the wall.

When I lived in NC, I joined a Yoga and Pole Fitness class. I felt relaxed, confident, and vibrant.

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(**Actual photos of my Pole & Yoga studio in NC)

In this area, the closest Yoga and Pole class is 60-100 miles away. Also, the mall was nearby, with a few other favorite stores and if I ever needed a break from Fayettiville, Atlanta, my NaNa, and “cray cray” cousin Miko weren’t too far away.

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Back to my physical fitness, I have a gym membership here, but due to small town living, a lot of drama goes on. For example, I went with my mom to the gym just to hang out (I wasn’t working out). I had on regular non-gym clothes (flip-flops, tank top, and shorts). While my mom and I are laughing and joking around, a staff member that was off shift and working out comes up to me in a nasty attitude and says, “You can’t be in here with flip-flops. You need to leave.” The main reason she came up to me is because when I walked in, all of the guys were checking me out. I guessed I ruined her “flirtation mojo.” I can’t help being a 34DD and a size 0. I was born this way! One of the staff members on shift came up and started hitting on me. He even told me that I can wear his shoes so I can stay, but I didn’t want to cause any issues with him during his shift, so I waited in the car until my mom was done working out.

Next, my job. I love what I do in terms of helping out the employees and serving our military, but I do bump heads with the other management. A lot of them don’t understand that I’m a manager and very young looking. I don’t get the respect I deserve. Most of the management try to throw me under the bus or make it like I’m incompetent. Being the only African-American in management doesn’t help either.

With that being said, my job offers mobility, which means I can travel all over the U.S. and the world as a manager. I can also participate in the HR Management Trainee program and get promoted from an HR Tech to an HR Manager I, which means more money. If I do not go mobile, I will stay in my current position and once I reach my pay maximum of $21.00 per hour, i go no further. Also, I’m the only HR person there. People expect me to be in a million places at once and I put O/T in without getting paid, because its not allowed. When I went on my random business trips to Fort Irwin, i noticed that the HR Teams consist of 2-4 people. Even though the stores are bigger, the team can reach out to each other. I feel like I have no support. I don’t think I want to be the ONLY HR person for 20+ years like the last one. So if I don’t go mobile, I will stay stuck and not progress. When you don’t grow, you basically DIE — on a professional level. I don’t think I will get a raise either once I graduate from college in a few months. One option would be that I can go Civil Service, which means I can buy back my military service time and retire in 11 years. I will also make more money, and I can still travel. Or….go with another company. I even thought about deploying to the Middle East as an HR Tech (with AAFES) for 12-15 months, but they will not have opportunities until next year.

I discussed my concerns with my parents, but we argue all of the time. They say, “God has a plan for you being in this town.” or “You cannot make decisions until you pray. God might not want you to move. You need to be closer to Him and find out what you need to do.” Also, I have 2 lovely dogs and my mom says, “If you travel, they will have anxiety all over and I’m not watching them if you deploy for a year.”

Crossing out Plan A and writing Plan B on a blackboard.

I get more frustrated and angry. I believe these discussion/arguments create a big divide between my family and I hate that. I want us to get along and for them to understand how I feel. I know parents always want best for their children, but if my family really knew how I felt. I feel so defeated and discouraged. I feel like I get no support from them. Today I told my mom about the deployment idea and she replied, “YOU CAN’T DO THAT! You need to ask God and you can’t leave your dogs.” I said, “I’m grown last time I checked. You need to say ‘I shouldn’t’ not ‘I can’t.’ I can do what I want.” I’m starting to feel resentment towards my parents and my Christian upbringing. I feel like “The man upstairs.” is not understanding my situation and basically punishing me. There is always these “do not” rules and it’s getting pretty played out. I know that sounds wrong, but I feel so trapped. I couldn’t imagine residing in Cal City being His ultimate and divine plan for my life.

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I would love to move somewhere like Las Vegas, where I’m 3 hours from home, but I can start over and live in a big city with more opportunities.

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L.A. is a heck no! The traffic and real estate is so ungodly. I refuse to struggle out there.

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Also, my company is in Vegas, so if an HR slot opens, I can transfer. Lastly, the real estate is cheap! I would have to sell, rent, or keep my house for when I come and visit, but it would be worth it. The best catch with my house is that my mortgage is only $500 per month and it’s a beautiful home! My sister stays with me, so I pay $250 per month for mortgage. I save a lot of money.

The last point is a love life. Some days I feel so unlucky like I wasn’t born under these stars.

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I never had a real boyfriend growing up in this town. When I joined the Army, I got a little wild, then married, then divorced, and did some more playing around, but decided to be celibate back in 2013. I moved back here and I feel like I’m 16 all over again. I get no dates or attention. You would think that I work on a military base and that would help, but no. I guess I don’t look “plain Jane” or need a green card — or overweight for that matter. Because of the limited availability of men and my work/college schedule, I decided to do online, which I’m starting to regret.

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I’ve been on Tagged, POF, and OK Cupid. Most are looking for booty or a place to lay their head. i have standards and refuse to be a “flunkie” in my 20’s, so I’m not going for it. I finally cancelled all of my accounts and started E-Harmony. I could find better quality of men and someone that wants to settle down….or so I thought. I got hits as soon as I got on, but when guys realize I’m not easy, I gets no love folks! I was supposed to go out on a date tonight with a guy in the local area and he cancelled because “Even though our chemistry is great, you are looking for a serious relationship while I’m looking for a casual thing.” Really? Isn’t chemistry the best factor? I believe if you don’t have chemistry, you have nothing. For the last 3 days, this guy has been talking about getting to know me, goals, and sharing mutual interests. But since I pulled out the celibacy card, I go out of the window. Ugh….the struggle is real. Who the heck goes on E-Harmony for casual sex? I even state on my profile my true intentions, which is celibacy and settling down. I guess people can’t or don’t want to read.

The other guy looked like a pedophile and is really weird on the phone. He claims to be a Christian, but is really weird. He has never dated an African-American woman before, so I think he’s searching for the “experience.” He wants to get married in 3-6 months, explained to me all of his disabilities, likes bondage, we don’t have much in common, and he wants to take up a hobby in “gambling.” I’m not going to risk my money and livelihood for your pleasure of Black Jack & Russian Roulette.

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Lately, I’ve been re-thinking celibacy as well. It’s so frustrating and disappointing to come home alone, sleep alone, and just do everything alone. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve gained much clarity and sanity since I started my journey in 2013, but I feel so unhappy as well. Most of my old Army friends tell me I need to get laid, but I don’t think that would solve anything. Well….maybe….I did a post awhile back about the show “Gigolos” from Showtime.

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My favorite gentleman is Ash and I see the struggle most women deal with. They get stood up on dates, taken advantage of, or abused. At the end of the day, they want sex, love, and affection without the drama of being rejected. I promise you that I’ve thought about it. I know it’s a taboo subject but I’d rather pay for sex then be caught up in the friends with benefits bs. I’ve already done that and it’s not fun. Friends with benefits is non-existent.

In conclusion, I am a small town girl with BIG DREAMS! I don’t want to feel isolated or miserable by residing here. The world has so much to offer and I feel like I’m missing out on everything.

#WERK

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So, I’m back for another writing round (ding, ding)!

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As you all know, my life is surrounded by work, college, and pretty much a boring home life (I love my folks and dogs, but it does get boring). I’m trying to take life by the horns through means of traveling, soul searching, and other things. It’s been pretty hectic these last few weeks.

My HRM (HR Manager) resigned and works for a new company, so I’ve been taking charge and handling my base and Fort Irwin (which I’m traveling to this Thursday for a job fair), Science is kicking my butt, but I have a good grade so far. One more week to go! Next week I start taking 2 CLASSES EVERY 5 WEEKS! It’s gonna hurt, but I’ll graduate by the end of this year and go for my MBA. I’m honestly burnt out with school and ready to enjoy nice quiet evenings, instead of my eyes burning at a computer screen.

As for dating….well….lol…..it’s not happening for me and I’m just chillin’. Pretty content about it all and just letting things flow. I think I have too much going on anyways for this to be happening right now in my life. It will all come in due time. For now, I chase away the married dudes and unemployed guys with a taser and baseball bat….what…I have standards you know?!?!

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Celibacy journey is going well. I think I can get used to this….hahahahaha….not forever but almost 2 years of waiting is a good start! Some days it’s pleasant, other days, it’s like a “wrecking ball”. But then. I have to grab a hold of myself and ask what am I doing this for and is it the right decision? Well…it is. No drama. Check! My sanity. Check! Happiness. Check! At the end of the day, its MY CHOICE!

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I’m at the point in my life where patience is EVERYTHING! I have to stay focused and have my eye on the real “prize”….eventually settling down again — with the right one. You can’t use the same tricks, cause you will always get the same results, and the joke will only be on ME!!! : )

For now, I have this “itch” for adventure….Portofino, Tokyo, Vegas, Miami, you name it….I’m trying to go. Still got to plan this Miami trip for the summer or fall and I escape to Vegas at least once a month to re-gain my sanity. I’m heading back there next month, to do some solo exploring. i went a few weeks ago and when I went over that hill, life came inside my body. I was nice to see flashing lights, airplanes, malls, and freeways. On the other end…..it was heartbreaking to go back over the hill and see….brown! My goal is to one day live there, but that is in a few years from now. But until then…..

VIVA LAS VEGAS!!!

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Bye for now & thanks for listening!

Tijera : )

On the Straight and Narrow Path

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It’s good to be back! I intended to write this blog when I hit one year, which was October 2014, but I started a new job, continuing my education (one more year of college), and getting into other things that basically got in the way (church, yard work, projects, you name it).

When I first made the decision to stop having sex, it was very scary. I had plenty of late nights with Moscato, insomnia, and Mr. Newport.

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Sex to me was a drug that I didn’t want to give up.

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I enjoyed the kissing, touching rubbing, and OMG…the smell of it! It gave me the greatest rush, but the haze of ecstasy soon faded away and my reality was just a nightmare waiting to happen.

My main reason was because of all the crap I was dealing with trying to date (and get laid of course) after my divorce. I don’t know if I was wearing my internal organs on my sleeve (crossing my fingers for love) or I was looking for something that I would never get (non-stop and endless sex). Either way, I suffered the crash and burn and decided to make a change…and QUICK!

Now I’m at 17 months and my reasons for not having sex has changed. Of course, the “dating jungle” of hell is one of the reasons, but this year, I have decided to press into God more. I went to a Women’s Conference last week and it put a fire in me. I know this might sound crazy to some, but attending that conference gave me a desire to follow God more and also, I know that there is someone out there for me.

Now…let me also explain…am I a Saint?

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………….um no. Some Christians beg to differ, but I still have my “alone” time (ya’ll know what I’m talking about), which I think is healthy, or maybe I’m really wrong.

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As you can see, I’m very sexual person and have no issues being in tune or at one with myself in this area. I relieve stress, tension, and sleep better when those “personal moments” occur. Don’t judge me ok?!? Thanks! : ) But….it feels great and my emotions aren’t tied to some man. Did I mention my mind races like a horny teenage boy 24/7? Sex is on my mind a lot, but at the same time, I’m not out searching for it like I did 2+ years ago. I don’t want to deal with the heartache, pain, and games that go along with it. It’s just too much, even though it’s AWESOME!!!!!!

Of course, the road will never be easy. I had a few bumps on the road (a.k.a. Temptation)

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between October and December of 2014. For some odd and apparent reason, I tried online dating, which was a nightmare (one of my dates was still married — (yikes)!!online

Then some random guy that has no job keeps asking if I need company at my place so he can move in. We got into the biggest debate about going to church, hypocrites, and the like. He eventually left me alone though, which was great for me. No deadbeats and losers in my life.
Then, (sigh) I had some weirdo co-worker wanting to “date” me, but is still married as well (there were so many wrongs with that situation. So glad I didn’t or want to go there — yuck!!!!!).

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That situation turned from something as to long conversations about fluoride in the water, why I’m celibate, to trying to get me in the bed, and lastly, bragging that we actually “did the deed” to an old co-worker. First off….very childish, especially from a 36 year old man, who claims not to be married and all of this other crap. Secondly, the reason why I would NEVER date a co-worker. Whatever I do on my personal time, I don’t need it broadcasted at work, whether it happened or not (it didn’t though). Lastly, how in the heck is someone going to be 300+ lbs. and try to play someone. WTH?!?! Sorry….thanks for playing! Anyway. I don’t have any hard feelings, but for some reason he still does. Not my problem! But at the same time, my parents always taught me to be careful who I associate with. Just hanging out with this person and talking to him caused a lot of issues in the professional arena and stress for me. I couldn’t believe all of this drama would start over talking or hanging out with someone. I definitely learned from this situation and keep to myself.

Was the whole online dating move a little desperate? Yes. Am I going to be alone forever and die alone? Probably not. I believe true love and patience takes time. Anything you want to be successful and real is never easy. The road will be weary, tiresome, miserable, and plenty of other things, but if you keep pushing, you will finally get there.

So…I’m still continuing on this journey of abstaining and staying away from the drama and hell. Right now, a relationships doesn’t seem to ever work, so I am totally focusing on me….it’s not too bad. It gets easier by the day.

So….I’ve been on my new job for almost 90 days and have less than 50 credits left before I graduate college. Everything around me has been fast paced, but also boring at the same time. I was talking to a guy friend of mine the other night on about how the Army was so fast paced, but now I feel like my life is dragging. I need more spontateity and excitement (but I’m not going back in the Army —– that’s for sure). Road trip?!?!?!

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Also, as you know, I’ve been on the Celibacy Journey, and its been a year, which is pretty exciting, but also devastating. My decision to go celibate was due to my divorce and all the bs drama with dating and friends with benefits. That “benefit” is non-existent in 2014 & 2015, so I had to make some decisions for my well-being, sanity, and heart.

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My hormones have been going crazy (I guess weekend episodes of Gigolos does not help) and I feel like I really can’t do much about it! Celibacy reminds me of a gigantic triumph, but at the same time….SEX WOULD BE SO AWESOME!!! I swear to God that for the last few months, I though about escorts and companionship. It does not have to be all about sex, but I believe money is power. With that, you can control how situations should be. Plus, I think it’s awesome to be like, “I paid for that.” : )

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You would think that I’m on an Air Force Base and would have a date or something….yeah right?!?! I have 0 game on base. I check out military guys + contractors staring at my boobs and butt when I walk around, but no one has the balls to ask for my number or take me out on a date. So….I decided to do…..(Drum roll)…..ONLINE DATING!!!!

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My first online dating encounter was in 2005 (right before I joined the Army). I met this guy named *Steve. He was a radio host in New Mexico, graduated with his Journalism degree, Christian, and adventurous. He enjoyed Skydiving, swimming etc. We talk online first, which leads to the phone, and lastly, he wants to fly out to California for a visit. I’m all ecstatic and make sure my hair and nails are all “did” for the “big” day.

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I met *Steve during 4th of July weekend and it was a bummer! OMG! He was really pale and fat (I have nothing against white guys, but can you get a tan?!?!)!!! Not so much fat, but you can tell he has not been in the gym for a minute. He was also cheap, which means we did not go anywhere to eat or to get away from the house. My mom and I slaved in the kitchen for him to eat a nice meal. Lastly, when he realized I was not feeling him “that way”, his “f” buddy called him and he made sure the phone was on speaker so I could here her. Finally, when my Dad got into it about religious topics, I was done and ready for him to get back on that plane.

He later e-mailed me and said I was beautiful and come from a good home, but too independent for him. I need to be more….humble. WOW! It’s funny cause I’ve heard that a million times since 2005 and it’s very unfortunate that men feel this way. What happened to a man wanting a woman with ambition; his equal?

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Back to the online dating thing….it’s kind of slow in my opinion. I have some guys pop up for awhile and fade or the occasional passerby’s. They say they are looking for something real, but it’s a joke. Some guys though are really cool to talk to and all. Lastly, I’ve had the weirdos that ask, “What kind of panties are you wearing?” or “I’m about to jack off. What are you doing?” Really….WTF?!? I definitely feel like I’m in the HUNGER GAMES.

“Dear Self”

May 2013

Tijera,

I wrote this letter to make you think about the things you have been going through lately. Right now, you are more vulnerable and sensitive than ever before. You gave your ALL to a man that could not give you the same. Your heart feels battered and your soul feels torn to pieces.

But the question I have for you is this, “Why do you keep displaying yourself to individuals that have such a wretched and dysfunctional personality?” I know every human being in this cold-hearted universe wants love, but your ways seem so masochist and self-destructive. You are on a very detrimental path that will lead to chaos of the heart and soul. It wrecks havoc on your very being. Also, it will affect your joy, passions, and dreams.

STOP feeling like you deserve to be with someone. You are very deserving, but you need to figure yourself out first and move on. It is not time to love someone right now. Your heart needs to heal from the war it just endured. You can’t keep sending an injured soldier to the battlefield. He/she has to rest and recover.

The love of Christ in YOU is what makes you beautiful, delicate, and a conqueror. You do not need any man that will ruin your self-esteem, beauty, confidence, and soul just to acquire the best thing(s) you possess. Your love, intelligence, innermost thoughts, and dreams are your best qualities. No man in this world should EVER tell you lies, so he can take advantage, and crush you.

Hopefully, you have learned from all of this and stop bumping your head against the wall with tears rolling down you face.

Love,

Your Wonderful, Confident, and Sexy S-E-L-F

EXCERPT

Boy, was this a hard time for me (2012 – 2013)! My (ex) husband packed his bags around the holidays (see post “Do 4 Love”) and I decided divorce would be the best option. I did really good in terms of not missing him and keeping myself occupied with school (other things such as exercise and B&N).

Once Valentine’s day hit, I was a WRECK!! I took myself out to dinner, but something was still missing.

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Anyways, it felt like I hit “rock-bottom” and called my so-called friends for advice. They told me to get laid, and I’m thinking, “No, it’s been 3 months and your still MARRIED. I’m doing real good by not jumping in the bed with anyone.” Well…LUST won this situation and I got tied up with *Tony, who was a co-worker that had a “jones” for me (a 6 month crush). This led to making out in his office at work, to close encounters in my apartment, to a movie date and full-blown sex. It was everything I expected….AMAZING! And he was Puerto Rican….LORD JESUS!!!

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Even though Tony was not mine and I try not to catch feelings, the way he held my hand and kissed me felt good. It was what I needed at the time…or so I thought….

Well, the glitter starts to fade and we talk (or text), but not that much. I confided in a friend (we will call her *Jody) about our situation and she talked about how Tony (my “smash buddy”) is a sweetheart and she’ll talk to him about what’s going on between us and such.

Tip #1: If your friend or someone else has to intervene in a situation/relationship, it’s already going down hill. You should have the balls to talk about things…or at least he should.

One night me and Jody were at the local Wal-Mart and I kept asking her about him. She said I’m stuck on him too much and need to move on. Then Jody tells me he takes “Designer Drugs” (SPICE) and is sleeping with other girls. OMG!!!

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Now, my (other) friends that advised me to get laid were now saying, “Girl you moved too fast and shouldn’t of messed with him.” , “He’s from Philly, guys from there ain’t s#%@, “All you got was some good d%@$ and a I-pod…LMAO!!!”, and “You were so stupid!” Bitch what!?!?!?!? Then one of  them said, “Don’t feel played cause you enjoyed the sex just as much as he did.” Really?!?! So much for friends!

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I really start to feel some type of way about all of this. It just drove me up the wall. Not cause I wanted to squeeze his hand until it exploded or date him, I enjoyed talking to him and wanted to keep having sex. SEX was on my mind 24/7!!! My ex stopped sleeping with me after Thanksgiving 2013 (I was on a 3 month drought before Tony) , so the desire to  “smash” became my “designer drug.” No matter how many times I listened Rihanna or to “Kitty Kat” by Beyonce’ as a “pick-me-up”, I still felt used, played, and lied to. I need to channel B or RiRi’s confidence, but I just felt so torn and worn out. Then I got into the “Drake” modes which had me crying and rolling all over my apartment floor. Tony also gave me his I-pod to borrow, which had lots of Drake, so I zoned out into sadness and despair.

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As time went on we drifted apart big time. We had sex a few more times (4 total) and then…Tony didn’t want it anymore. I even offered to give him “head” and he declined (what crazy guy does that?!?!)! I thought I wasn’t pretty enough or whatever but he kept saying it was him and not me….blah, blah, blah. All of the sudden, he had an issue with me still being married, even though he knew all of this when we decided to talk more and I was filing for divorce (I never saw my ex after he left in December). More and more things came up that he disliked so our little “thing.” could just end. Tony’s favorite phrase was, “It’s not like that, but….” So…what is it like MF!?!?!?

I remember calling my mom in tears (It was hysterical and dramatic. I could of won an Oscar).

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Well what does Mom do? She tries to help but I keep hearing, “I told you so”, “It’s your fault. How could you fall for that”, and “No matter what they tell you, everything changes after sex.” I felt like I was hit by a train. I needed support. Well, Daddy got on the phone and I was relieved. He told me everything Mom said in a cool and collective way. He also prayed with me and I felt a lot better, but still troubled. I felt weak and useless.

Before he left for Germany, Tony apologized in a weird way (by accusing me of being clingy or crazy. I wanted d@$% guy, not marriage), but admitted that he and Jody had sex before! You would of thought Hiroshima went off in my head.  I was PISSED, but also hurt.

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“I hate you so much right now…AAAAAAHHHHHH!” – Caught Out There, Kelis

I knew something was wrong when she had Fire Guard Duty in his dorm/barracks and he let her spend the night in his room. How are you gonna tell me Tony isn’t s%@$, and all these other things but you sat on his d#$^ a couple of times?  I told Tony I wouldn’t tell her, because we would of all been in a whirlwind of drama (you cannot be involved with other people while being in the military and married. Even though I was separated, Tony and I could of lost our military careers.), but I blasted Jody a few weeks later. Of all things, Jody was married (a very rocky marriage), sleeping with different guys on the base, had an abortion (the baby was by her recent “FWB” who was still married) and visiting her husband on the weekends. And she only dated or slept with black dudes?!? Yeah right! I hate having “left-over” men. I don’t want to know my friend slept with you, but I’m glad I did. That’s why the little heifer was blocking and always “downing” him. He ain’t s$%^ or innocent either.

But, I did make some mistakes in all of this. I learned that vulnerability will get you in HOT WATER! I should of healed instead of jumping head first into anything. Guys prey off sensitivity and vulnerability. I guess I forgot the “GAME” after being with the same man for 5 years. They will lie, rob, cheat, or steal, to get what they want from you (between your legs). The experience will be heaven, but then change from purgatory to HELL in a matter of days, weeks, or months.

On the other hand….Karma is a $@%#&!!! That’s another blog.

karma

Still didn’t learn my lesson. I had a few one-night stands and made other stupid mistakes. After a few months, I realized the “GAME” is more jacked up than it was 5-8 years ago. I went from married to night stalker. I just didn’t understand how guys change after sex. Was it bad, me, my body, etc.? After a while, I realized…it was not me. They got what they wanted and were done. It’s evil and sad, but guess what????….THE TRUTH HURTS!!! And all I wanted was sex….not a relationship, but you can’t even have a “Friends with benefits” these days (FWB is nothing but a “situationship.”) What hurts my feelings are lies. I HATE LIARS (see my post, “In My Humble Opinion”, Your so THOTFUL)! What woman keeps getting denied of sex? The answer to this question is getting sex was not the issue, but getting sex from the same person multiple times was. I refused to be with 20 guys within a 3 month period, I needed to figure out something quick to ease my mind from the pain and confusion I was feeling. One things for sure, sex without love damages the heart and soul. Sometimes, they will NEVER recover, but was I too late?!?

one night stand  heartbreak

So, October 2013, I decided to go celibate. This was not the easiest decision, but I needed to heal my heart and mind from all the garbage of my marriage and escapades. No more bed hopping for me, but soul searching. Also, it was for religious purposes. Now I think about it and I should of waited until I got married. This whole dating, smashing, and other useless love news is garbage!

celibate

The first 6 months was hell!!! I almost gave in around month #4 to some $@#hole I messed with right before I went celibate. I’m glad I didn’t. He tried to sleep with my roommate, neighbor, and has a GF who was 6 months pregnant. Of course he lied and said he was single! Again, can we all be adults about “sexual needs” and stop lying?!?

None of my friends agreed to what I was doing and I had a roommate who had a dude every night. It was like a total of 12  by the time she moved out. Then my whorish neighbor would have sex upstairs and then chat with me the next day about changing my mind about celibacy and just having fun. Now, I don’t judge, but don’t get upset when I decide to make a difference. She was a little snake cause the guy I just mentioned with the GF…well…she egged a lot of stuff on one night at a club and she wanted to mess with him too. It was a big mess and I also learned a lesson – STAY ON THE RIGHT TRACK!!!! I did the right thing and thank you *Tasha for being a “attention” whore.” Your acts turned me off to Mr. $@#hole and I went to bed…ALONE! The best thing for me! Plus I was crazy drunk. I remember vomiting the next morning…eeeeeewwww! I didn’t need to do anything with anyone that night.

So, It’s been almost a year and I’m actually happy (I have my days). I don’t know the pleasure or pain side of having sex because I really don’t care. Ok…let me re-phrase that. I miss it sometimes, but the drama ALWAYS outweighs the sex. Now I can walk away with my dignity instead of a man walking away with my heart. Best believe!

XOXO,

Tijera

“In My Humble Opinion (Pt. 1), “Your so THOTFUL”

September 1, 2013

“You’re so bad [boy], your’re so awful…We aren’t in this for commitment…”

“Thotful” by Drake (2014).

drake

HELL is other people”

Jean-Paul Sartre

hell

The real question is…why are MEN the way they are? I guess I need to explain my question some more…lol.

question

Some say, well most men would say they are simple and easy to understand, but I beg to differ. Lying and having excuses for EVERYTHING is unacceptable. I shouldn’t expect this behavior from grown and consenting adults. These days, men are not even honest or straight forward about friends with benefits.

“An excuse is a reason stuffed with a lie.” – Rihanna

fwb  sex

When I first joined the military, lost my virginity in 2006, and got to the point where relationships were overrated, this deal right here (“fwb”) was the best thing smokin’. Now the friends with benefits ordeal is tainted, complicated, and becoming extinct like chivalry. The best way I can describe it now would be more like a freakin’ “situationship” with catching feelings and broken hearts. Guys “smashing” once and never hearing a word from them EVER again (some instances, they are #$%&ing your friend or your apartment neighbor!! They know it was a a-hole move, so they disappear. #TRUE STORY). The KICKER for me is a guy wanting you to be a “fwb” but is married with children! How are you going to lie about being single when your not?!?! WOW!

I thought sex was suppose to be fun and drama-free?!?!? It’s sad that one can get played without desiring a relationship. Just smash , go home, then I call you (or you call) again next week for another round.

sex  bootygirl fight

WTF is wrong with this world?!?!?!?

scream

If I wanted to have sex or “smash” one time and thought fondly about the experience, I could of had a one night stand and been done with it…JESUS!

one night stand  ons

Best believe, I have stories I can pull out of my butt-hole of the b.s. I have went through in the name of SEX and a damn CLIMAX! I started to question myself about my sexual performance, body type, hygiene, etc. I decided I cannot let someone’s issues make me insecure. Some guys just want to conquer, score, or have ulterior motives (why the hidden bull #@$%???). It’s THEIR PROBLEM, not mine.

body

“Situationship” Song:

“Catch No Feelings” by Drake feat. Andre’ 3000 (2014)

At the end of the day, I feel like I do not need the b.s. in my life. This chick right here is binding her #%$@ (kitty kat) up like a chastity belt.

beltNO  heartbreak

I value myself way too much, no matter how many sexual needs, urges, or desires I have from here on out. #TEAM TIJERA

Today’s definitive conclusion about humanity…..

dueces   boo  Rihanna-1_zpsf9316465

“Sexy” Intern

(Material not safe for work NSFW & children under 18 – ONLY 18+)

July 28, 2014

My work experiences have been interesting since I separated from the military back in June. I have gained so much experience in terms of being a better Human Resources Professional. Since Public Relations is part of my double major, I have been looking for opportunities in this field as well.

As you all know, I’ve been an HR Assistant with VAIN LLC (www.ericavain.com) for 2 months now, but just took on a Public Relations Intern Position with a (drum roll) SEX TOY company (I’m going to be a very busy girl)! It sounds a little odd for the fact that I am a born-again Christian and celibate (OMG!). The celibacy part might also sound crazy, but I stay focused and keep my mind off sex when I stay busy (working + college), so seeing these articles, products, and stories does not turn me on in any way, shape, or form. I do not think anything is wrong for an individual or couples to purchase sex toys or paraphernalia. Whatever happens in the bedroom is none of my business! Can I get an AMEN?!?!

toys1

Today was my first day and it was interesting. Over the weekend, I conducted research on toys and was surprised about “green” products. I did not know toys could be made of glass, wood, or stone!!! Talk about “grainin’ on that wood.”

drunk in love

wood

Then today, I looked up some articles on “50 Shades of Grey” (novel) and it’s influence toward adult audiences and sex stores (BD&SM product sales went sky high!!!). Lastly, I found a few interesting articles, like this one….

r-FARRAH-ABRAHAM-large570-665x385

FARRAH ABRAHAM:

“TEEN MOM” WEARS LINGERIE & PROVIDES SEXY TOY DEMOS AT HER SEX TOY PARTY

http://www.inquisitr.com/1377645/farrah-abraham-wears-lingerie-and-provides-sex-toy-demos-at-her-sex-party-photos/

AND

No judgement here, in terms of Miss Teen Mom. To each its own….

So my day was fun and filled with lots of research, which isn’t an easy task. Wish me luck on my next few months!  : )

XOXO,

Tijera

UPDATE:

As of August 18, 2014, I no longer intern at MSL. I enjoyed working here, but this Algebra course is taking a toll. Hopefully I can gain PR experience at a different company in the future. I guess I did a good job, because the CEO offered me 25% on any items I purchase!! I guess I’ll be shopping for new toys soon, which I need. The “lipstick” one is getting old. I need some variety!

kiss

Retrieved from :

Farrah Abraham, “Teen Mom” – http://www.inquisitr.com

Sex Toy Pics (Oral Stimulator & Nobessence Fling Dildo) – http://www.mysecretluxury.com

“50 Shades of Grey” & Consumer Influence – “Blushing Fifty Shades of Red” Interview by Rebecca Lee Douglas. http://www.studio360.org/story/214949-fifty-shades-red/

“Drunk in Love” Beyonce’ Picture, http://www.kelaskloset.com

Song excerpt: “Drunk in Love”, Knowles, B., Fisher, N., Carter, S., Proctor, A., Diaz, R., Soko, B., Mosley, T., & Harmon, J. (2014). Produced by BOOTS. Columbia Record.