Category Archives: Sex & XXX

HOTEL CALIFORNIA – SMALL TOWN BLUES

July 3, 2015

I’m originally from Los Angeles, California.

Los-Angeles-City-Night-Lights-Skyline

Around the age of 6 or 7, my parents decided to live in the Antelope Valley, which the real estate was cheaper and a better quality of living compared to the big city. Lancaster was the first stop. As a kid, it was difficult adjusting to the educational system. Around the early 90’s, there was a lot of racism in the school system from faculty and students alike. Even when I went to private school down the line, I felt like didn’t belong. People assumed that all black people were on welfare and ignorant, while my sister and I lived in a suburban neighborhood, talked proper, and dressed very nicely.

Next, my parents decided to move to California City in 1993.

L1010035

This was the first time they became homeowners. My Dad used his VA Loan, which helped out tremendously. At first, I enjoyed the country lifestyle and being able to play outside in the streets. Once I hit 13 or 14, I became highly annoyed, like I am now. I didn’t have too many friends. I was a nerd and most of my friends were military kids, so they moved away.

i-really-hate-the-idiot-nerd-girl-meme-so-i

I used to remember traveling to L.A. with my family and being fascinated with the big city life.

DSC01543

I would have desires of graduating from college, owning my own home, living in the big city, and one day raising a family. I would always cry when we left L.A. because I knew what would be waiting for me in California City — no life!

Once I hit high school, my parents put me back in private school, which was a mistake (My mom and dad realized I was “boy crazy” and couldn’t imagine me being a teen mom). The school lowered their religious and moral standards, so any student was accepted. I would have girls threaten to fight me and everything. I decided to be home schooled around 10th grade and graduate early. I ended up working a few jobs such as a waitress, grocery store clerk, medical assistant, and then got laid off at my last job, which was working at a Chiropractor office. I decided right then and there that I needed some adventure and culture, so I swore in the U.S. Army in 2005 and headed out to Basic Training.

original

Fast forward 9 years later, I moved back to my small town last year from the Army. I had a hard time with the divorce and the hectic Army schedule. It felt nice to finally be back at home in the arms of my family.

my house

(U.S. Air Force graphic)

I also landed a job 15 minutes away from my home and get to finally live in my house after 6 years. It’s been over a year and I’m starting to feel miserable. I live 45 minutes to 2 hours from all of the cities with action. My life mostly consist of work and college, which has been getting me down lately. I don’t feel motivated at all and feel like my whole life is dedicated to working hard to make a living for myself and to maintain my independence. Some days, I want to cry or punch a hole in the wall.

When I lived in NC, I joined a Yoga and Pole Fitness class. I felt relaxed, confident, and vibrant.

pole dance embrace

(**Actual photos of my Pole & Yoga studio in NC)

In this area, the closest Yoga and Pole class is 60-100 miles away. Also, the mall was nearby, with a few other favorite stores and if I ever needed a break from Fayettiville, Atlanta, my NaNa, and “cray cray” cousin Miko weren’t too far away.

atlanta4

Back to my physical fitness, I have a gym membership here, but due to small town living, a lot of drama goes on. For example, I went with my mom to the gym just to hang out (I wasn’t working out). I had on regular non-gym clothes (flip-flops, tank top, and shorts). While my mom and I are laughing and joking around, a staff member that was off shift and working out comes up to me in a nasty attitude and says, “You can’t be in here with flip-flops. You need to leave.” The main reason she came up to me is because when I walked in, all of the guys were checking me out. I guessed I ruined her “flirtation mojo.” I can’t help being a 34DD and a size 0. I was born this way! One of the staff members on shift came up and started hitting on me. He even told me that I can wear his shoes so I can stay, but I didn’t want to cause any issues with him during his shift, so I waited in the car until my mom was done working out.

Next, my job. I love what I do in terms of helping out the employees and serving our military, but I do bump heads with the other management. A lot of them don’t understand that I’m a manager and very young looking. I don’t get the respect I deserve. Most of the management try to throw me under the bus or make it like I’m incompetent. Being the only African-American in management doesn’t help either.

With that being said, my job offers mobility, which means I can travel all over the U.S. and the world as a manager. I can also participate in the HR Management Trainee program and get promoted from an HR Tech to an HR Manager I, which means more money. If I do not go mobile, I will stay in my current position and once I reach my pay maximum of $21.00 per hour, i go no further. Also, I’m the only HR person there. People expect me to be in a million places at once and I put O/T in without getting paid, because its not allowed. When I went on my random business trips to Fort Irwin, i noticed that the HR Teams consist of 2-4 people. Even though the stores are bigger, the team can reach out to each other. I feel like I have no support. I don’t think I want to be the ONLY HR person for 20+ years like the last one. So if I don’t go mobile, I will stay stuck and not progress. When you don’t grow, you basically DIE — on a professional level. I don’t think I will get a raise either once I graduate from college in a few months. One option would be that I can go Civil Service, which means I can buy back my military service time and retire in 11 years. I will also make more money, and I can still travel. Or….go with another company. I even thought about deploying to the Middle East as an HR Tech (with AAFES) for 12-15 months, but they will not have opportunities until next year.

I discussed my concerns with my parents, but we argue all of the time. They say, “God has a plan for you being in this town.” or “You cannot make decisions until you pray. God might not want you to move. You need to be closer to Him and find out what you need to do.” Also, I have 2 lovely dogs and my mom says, “If you travel, they will have anxiety all over and I’m not watching them if you deploy for a year.”

Crossing out Plan A and writing Plan B on a blackboard.

I get more frustrated and angry. I believe these discussion/arguments create a big divide between my family and I hate that. I want us to get along and for them to understand how I feel. I know parents always want best for their children, but if my family really knew how I felt. I feel so defeated and discouraged. I feel like I get no support from them. Today I told my mom about the deployment idea and she replied, “YOU CAN’T DO THAT! You need to ask God and you can’t leave your dogs.” I said, “I’m grown last time I checked. You need to say ‘I shouldn’t’ not ‘I can’t.’ I can do what I want.” I’m starting to feel resentment towards my parents and my Christian upbringing. I feel like “The man upstairs.” is not understanding my situation and basically punishing me. There is always these “do not” rules and it’s getting pretty played out. I know that sounds wrong, but I feel so trapped. I couldn’t imagine residing in Cal City being His ultimate and divine plan for my life.

meme-angry_00283374

I would love to move somewhere like Las Vegas, where I’m 3 hours from home, but I can start over and live in a big city with more opportunities.

dentist-las-vegas-nv2  VEGAS 3

L.A. is a heck no! The traffic and real estate is so ungodly. I refuse to struggle out there.

634728-la-traffic

Also, my company is in Vegas, so if an HR slot opens, I can transfer. Lastly, the real estate is cheap! I would have to sell, rent, or keep my house for when I come and visit, but it would be worth it. The best catch with my house is that my mortgage is only $500 per month and it’s a beautiful home! My sister stays with me, so I pay $250 per month for mortgage. I save a lot of money.

The last point is a love life. Some days I feel so unlucky like I wasn’t born under these stars.

sponge bob

I never had a real boyfriend growing up in this town. When I joined the Army, I got a little wild, then married, then divorced, and did some more playing around, but decided to be celibate back in 2013. I moved back here and I feel like I’m 16 all over again. I get no dates or attention. You would think that I work on a military base and that would help, but no. I guess I don’t look “plain Jane” or need a green card — or overweight for that matter. Because of the limited availability of men and my work/college schedule, I decided to do online, which I’m starting to regret.

online-dating_o_533911

I’ve been on Tagged, POF, and OK Cupid. Most are looking for booty or a place to lay their head. i have standards and refuse to be a “flunkie” in my 20’s, so I’m not going for it. I finally cancelled all of my accounts and started E-Harmony. I could find better quality of men and someone that wants to settle down….or so I thought. I got hits as soon as I got on, but when guys realize I’m not easy, I gets no love folks! I was supposed to go out on a date tonight with a guy in the local area and he cancelled because “Even though our chemistry is great, you are looking for a serious relationship while I’m looking for a casual thing.” Really? Isn’t chemistry the best factor? I believe if you don’t have chemistry, you have nothing. For the last 3 days, this guy has been talking about getting to know me, goals, and sharing mutual interests. But since I pulled out the celibacy card, I go out of the window. Ugh….the struggle is real. Who the heck goes on E-Harmony for casual sex? I even state on my profile my true intentions, which is celibacy and settling down. I guess people can’t or don’t want to read.

The other guy looked like a pedophile and is really weird on the phone. He claims to be a Christian, but is really weird. He has never dated an African-American woman before, so I think he’s searching for the “experience.” He wants to get married in 3-6 months, explained to me all of his disabilities, likes bondage, we don’t have much in common, and he wants to take up a hobby in “gambling.” I’m not going to risk my money and livelihood for your pleasure of Black Jack & Russian Roulette.

pony hate

Lately, I’ve been re-thinking celibacy as well. It’s so frustrating and disappointing to come home alone, sleep alone, and just do everything alone. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve gained much clarity and sanity since I started my journey in 2013, but I feel so unhappy as well. Most of my old Army friends tell me I need to get laid, but I don’t think that would solve anything. Well….maybe….I did a post awhile back about the show “Gigolos” from Showtime.

showtime-gigolos

My favorite gentleman is Ash and I see the struggle most women deal with. They get stood up on dates, taken advantage of, or abused. At the end of the day, they want sex, love, and affection without the drama of being rejected. I promise you that I’ve thought about it. I know it’s a taboo subject but I’d rather pay for sex then be caught up in the friends with benefits bs. I’ve already done that and it’s not fun. Friends with benefits is non-existent.

In conclusion, I am a small town girl with BIG DREAMS! I don’t want to feel isolated or miserable by residing here. The world has so much to offer and I feel like I’m missing out on everything.

Advertisements

Almost Doesn’t Count

(Continuation to “Lames”)

3f09b9dcfc2e55c59bade6ca9a19e738

I wish I could say that I finally have love cornered against the wall. or the fact that I’m absolutely bulletproof, but ladies and gentlemen…I am neither.

titanium

So, I take my co-workers advice and start an E-Harmony account. This will be my last and final shimmery hope of online dating. Silly me though….I made the mistake of getting a year account, which was $200! I thought I would get credited $20 per month out of my account. So much for my Loan bill….ugh…..

Two days on E-Harmony, I get a smile and a message from a handsome, Latino gentleman from Las Vegas — did I mention he is a Christian too. So now, I’m all pumped up and excited. He sends me 5 questions and I do the same. I get a message a few days later stating, “You are very beautiful and I would like to get to know you better.” I message him my phone number and I get an instant text saying, “Hi, this is Sergio*”

My conversations with Sergio turned from texting to straight up FaceTime. I finally got to see his face compared to the pictures and he looks the rapper Pit Bull!

pitbull

He was also a Christian and seemed respectful, so I’m relieved that I’m finally talking to a gentleman. Even though we live 3 hours away, we agreed that I would come out there in mid-July to see if we will work out (first date compatibility). I did not want him to come out to my town because it’s boring and absolutely nothing to do. Vegas seems way much better!

VEGAS 1 VEGAS 2 VEGAS 3

So one night, we are doing Facetime and I said, “I submitted my leave in for mid-July and awaiting approval. I am going to go ahead and start looking at hotels.” Sergio says, “Why get a hotel? You can stay at my place.” I got one of those HOLD UP….WTF moments again….ugh….why!

no you didn't

I kindly said, “I would prefer to stay in a hotel since we are meeting each other for the first time. Plus, I’m celibate and looking for something serious. I just don’t think it would be a good idea to stay at your place.” He said, “I’m sorry. Did I offend you?” I said, “No, I am just playing it safe.”

As the days went on, I noticed our conversations lessened a bit, but he was still texting (I was too), so I didn’t get worried. During my business trip, I asked, “Do you want to talk tonight?” Then, I fell asleep. I woke up to a text saying, “I called you.” I’m like, “No you didn’t. Try again.” Since I was staying in a hotel at an Army base, the reception is TERRIBLE. So for 30 minutes we tried getting in touch with each other. Now, I’ll be honest….I LOVE MAKEUP and I’m very high maintenance.

FLOWER CHILD  cat eyes

This time, I had NO MAKEUP on. I thought “bump it.” I can’t be made up all the time. I want to be honest and real with this guy. I will never look like a model 24/7.

natural 2 natural

So, when he sees me on Facetime, he doesn’t look too happy. He could not get off of Facetime any faster. So I’m thinking, “Dang, did I look that bad?”

After our Facetime mishap, I got lesser texts than before. He used to call me “doll.” I wasn’t even getting that anymore. The last text I received from him was this past Friday which was, “Good Morning.” I texted back, “How are you?” and that was it. I didn’t get a reply or anything.

So, I had a pep talk with my mom about the strange events between Sergio and I. She felt like he is not talking much over the hotel issue. I did tell her that the talks became less over the hotel comment. My Dad laughed because he knew what was up.

So, there is this page on Facebook called RTAR (Real Talk About Relationships). I posted my current situation about Sergio and wanted to know what would be my next move. I heard different replies such as, “I wouldn’t go to Vegas now.”, “He’s after booty. Leave that alone.”, “Girl, I would go by myself and ‘turn up'”, and lastly, “You aren’t giving him a chance. Maybe call him and see what happens.” I know he was currently working on a boxing project involving Mayweather and I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, but something in me didn’t settle right. A gentleman on the RTAR page gave me the best advice ever!

Mr. Terrence –
Good morning Tijera, to be honest with you he sees you as an out-of-town booty call, no man with any respect, decency, or common courtesy would pull that old school move. It’s the oldest trick in the book to extend his place to you, to lessen the burden of having to spend money for a hotel room. Tijera, I have two beautiful daughters like yourself and trust me they were well educated about scenarios like this. The reason he slowed down the communication is by design and with a purpose. First one is to make you feel guilty by flipping the script on you for not wanting to stay at his house on your first visit. Secondly, this is a way for him to end the relationship on his terms. Finally, he’s trying to wait and feel you out so he can apologize for his mistake for not respecting your wishes in the beginning. Tijera, he his already showing no respect in the early stages of your friendship how can you trust him in a long term relationship? Trust your instinct and your heart, communication is the key for all aspects of life. You deserve the best don’t settle for less make these men earn your love, heart, and trust please.
instinct
So, Saturday morning, I woke up and decided to call him and try — even though deep down I knew that I wouldn’t probably here from him anymore and my gut instinct was right about everything.

k. michelle phone

I mostly don’t do this (phone call dudes or blow up their phone) and I did not get the normal “Good Morning” text I would always get from, but I needed closure. This situation was frustrating me because I felt like I didn’t do anything wrong and this was a classic game.

So, I called and said, “Hey Sergio! This is Tijera. I hope your project is going well and I we haven’t talked in a few days, so I hope everything is good with you. Hit me up when you get a chance.” Ladies and gentleman…I didn’t get a call back or text and that was my signal. Silence from someone can give you the best and ONLY answer….move on! I have so much to do, I have to carry on.

The normal reaction for me is to get down a bit, which I did because I’m just tired of games.

text

I’m in my 30’s and actually looking for something real. I’m not about sex (like I was in my 20’s or after my divorce) or treating people bad (asking for money and using dudes). I’m not the type of woman to ask about light bill or gas money and not even know the dude.

time

One thing I notice about men these days is that they say they can handle and independent, self-made woman who has her own, but deep down they feel like they are losing control or don’t feel deserving of me, which again is not my problem. I would rather rise with someone, then have to drag them all over the place. What happened to “power couples?”

I don’t deserve it
She’s just a little too perfect
She’s just a little too worth it
I don’t deserve her at all, no not at all
I only text her, man I never call
I’m still a canine at heart, I’m a dog

Company ~ Drake

drake

On the other end, I don’t need a man inquiring about booty and not wanting to get to know me. These times are definitely rough. Money and sex are the main motivation instead of love. In my personal and humble opinion, he could be talking to more than one girl. In these situations, the sluttiest one WINS! I just want something real, even though I have some days when I want to give up and just get laid. I am starting to feel that being the “good girl” and doing the right thing sometimes takes a toll. I feel like I’m finishing last.

disappointed

“To be honest I find it hard to believe that there’s someone out there that would be able to spend the rest of their life with me.”

~Rihanna

It took me a day or two to realize that I didn’t do anything wrong and I walked away proudly (again for the millionth time). I don’t have to text him constantly or get “ratchet.” Sometimes I let things get to me or think I’m not good enough. I think I have something (relationship/love) in the bag, but it slips out of my hands. You know what though? It’s his lost & his problem, not mine. I don’t have time for games & bs. In all honesty, I’d rather would of respected Sergio more if he was honest & said that I wasn’t the girl he wanted or didn’t want to wait. Instead, he went away silently and faded into the black. It goes to show you that he wasn’t man enough for me. I shouldn’t have to lower my standards or act like a loose whore to get a man’s attention.

smart

nice guy - aholes

So instead of focusing on stupid men and games, I’m taking that different “angle” and it feels good. I’m getting caught up at work & 9 classes left until my Bachelor’s degree. I just try and keep my mind & motivation on the REAL things that matter!

wednesday    baby girl focus

Hopefully one day I get to finally achieve what I want in love!

relationship goals interracial

Tijera

LAMES……

So, I decided to go ahead and get rid of OK Cupid, Christian Mingle, Tagged, etc. I needed some breathing room from the carnal demands of online dating.

big tits

Remember my last post about my online dating disasters? Well, one of the guys I decided to give a chance (MR. HIT & MISS), which was the WRONG decision. So, let me tell my story. Anyways, a few weekends ago, he contacted me via text and wanted to hang out. It was the weekend, so I was pretty much “free” after my studying and homework was complete. I talked to him (via text) around noon and stated, “We should meet up later and hang out.” He said, “Ok cool. I’m at work, but we will talk later.”

mixed signals

I added, “I will be close to your town so maybe we can hang out and get something to eat. I will be running errand (i.e. Walmart, Nail Salon), so when you get off work, just let me know.”

6 hours later, I’m at the nail salon and he texts, “What are you doing?” I told him I was getting my nails done and if he wanted to meet up, we can do so in about an hour or so. He said, “Ok.” Then, about an hour or two later, he texts and says, “I don’t think I’m going to make it because I haven’t left the house yet. I feel like this idea or plan is too much at the last minute but you can come to my house or we can meet up at a park”….HOLD UP….WTF!?!?!

frabz-OH-NO-HE-diINT-ec8804

Just to fill you all in, I’ve had a stalker before and a bunch of other crazy events during my Army years and I REFUSE to meet someone from online in a dark and/or private place. I texted him back and said, “Look, I am going out to eat with or without you, so if you do not want to go, then that’s fine.” So…I did. I went to Applebee’s and enjoyed a nice meal with a drink.  I don’t care about doing things on my own. It is what it is.

On my way home, he texts and says, “I feel awful because I could of went out.” I texted back, “That’s too bad.” The next following days, I kept getting these stupid “Hello” texts from him and I was getting very annoyed. I should of followed my first instinct of just cutting him off all together because he pulled a “booty call” move, which didn’t work on me. So, I finally blocked his number and I killed Cupid with his own bow and arrow (canceling my account).

bitch asshole

Then to top it all of, remember “married” Vegas dude? Yeah…he texted me the same day or a few days later asking when I was going down to Vegas again? I asked, “How are you and your wife?” and I got a silent pause. I just kill them with kindness. : ) I will be blocking his number as well. His name is not in my phone, but he pops up every now and then like a nasty zit.

SAY NO

I feel like I made the right choice, but again, a girl gets real lonely sometimes and would desire a relationship compared to booty calls, one night stands, and friends with benefits. So, I go out on a business trip to Fort irwin to train a new Human Resource Assistant. She was telling me about how she met her husband on E-Harmony and there are a better quality of men. All of the sudden….the light bulb clicked on!

lightbulb

I thought about it for a bit and decided that I will give it a try. E-harmony will be my last hope with online dating. If this doesn’t work, I don’t know what else will…….

TO BE CONTINUED……..

Tijera

“You said hello to me
I said hello to you
You ask me where I’m from
I asked you what you do
You some how intrigued me
I thought you were so cool
Somewhere between hi and goodbye
I felt so comfortable
I felt like we could talk all night
So i gave my number to you”
– Yes, Beyonce’

HELLO

YONCE
So…one would think relationship or something blossoming would start like this. Well, it should but it doesn’t happen like that. Even though I’m celibate, I would eventually like to build on something and be with someone worthy of me. As you all know, I have been on my online dating journey for a few months. For the most part, I’m consumed with work and school. I don’t have random dudes approaching me at the grocery store or on base, so I though online dating would be simple right?
YEAH RIGHT!

AWKWARD MOMENT
For the most part, I am a woman of class and ambition. I guess most of these dudes are used to trash or ratchets, so they approach me as such. smh….

QUALITY

Not does only quality cost money, but it cost time, sacrifice, and more. That is what I’m looking for…QUALITY!
So, I would like to put on BLAST all of my awkward online dating moments…..HERE WE GO!!

shade
MR. HIT & MISS
Random Guy: Hey! – 10:37am
Me: Hi! – 12:37pm (2 hour delay due to home improvements)
12 hours later on a weekend….
Random Guy 1: Hey – 11:08pm
Me: Hi! Whatsup with texting so late? – 11:08pm
Random Guy 1: My bad, I sent that text hours ago. – 11:09pm
Me: Really? I never got it – 11:09pm
Random Guy 1: SILENCE – No response – 11:10pm and beyond….
E=MC Lies & B.S.

For ONE….I hate late night texts. You can hear my voice and call. Also, I have to wonder if you are involved with someone due to the fact that I only hear from you at night time. Most guys that text really late (i.e. 10pm and beyond) are horn dogs looking for a “cum dumpster” or have been playing the good boyfriend/husband role most of the day. And now you want to talk around midnight or a week later? I’ll pass….

actions
JAILBIRD CLOWN
Random Guy 2: Hey! – Look sweetheart I have to be honest with you….Currently I’m incarcerated but I get out soon. I hope you don’t judge me. Hope I can continue to get to know you.
Me: I don’t judge by no means, but I don’t think I want to pursue this.
Random Guy 2: Well I come home in November. I think if you get to know me more, you will see that was a mistake I will never make again.
Me: Question though….why would you have a OK Cupid page and you are locked up? Not trying to be rude or offensive by no means, but I would wait to pursue someone after I’m out.
Random Guy 2: SILENCE – No response…

JAIL BIRD

Ok, another synopsis. I dated a jail bird back in 2008 and it was a nightmare. He stalked me after we broke up, threatened to kill me, major pot head/drug dealer, and always complained about how he couldn’t get a job because he had a felony. I don’t want to hear the garbage or deal with it. I’m not waiting for no jail bird!

SUPER FREAK
Me: Congrats on almost being done with Nursing school!
Random Guy 3: Hey thank you!
Me: You are welcome! I have one more year of college so I feel your struggle.
Random Guy 3: What’s your major?
Me: Human Resources Management
Random Guy 3: Nice good choice, what are you doing?
Me: Just got home from my parents house. Just chilling.
Random Guy 3: Lol. I’m in bed trying to jack off before I pass out. lol.

Me: SILENCE…..LOG OUT!

KERMIT
Enough said with this b.s. scenario. Late night freak. Just cause you feel that way, don’t mean I do. Why does a convo about nursing school & HR make you horny?

TASTE THE RAINBOW!!!!

skittles

Random Guy 4: how u doing sweetheart
Me: I’m good & you?
Random Guy 3: cant complain. u look very sexy in ur pix,if u dont mind me saying
Me: Thank you!
Random Guy 3: no prob,i meant it. so u into bisexual guys by any chance?
Me: Not really.
Random Guy 3: oh ok. well its really nothing serious for me,just to let u know. i like females much more. only turned bi a couple of years ago,used to be str8. But other than that,im all about females. honestly,if i had a wifey as beautiful as you,id never even look at another guy again,no bs. its not like its something i cant live without.

straight

SSSSOOOOO……I’m all for whatever floats people’s boat, but…..I’m not getting with a dude that pumps cakes then wants to stick it in me. I’m sorry….

I’m scrolling through my phone to find the crazy message that sounded like a Zane book….lmao! But…I can’t find it…

Lastly,

MR. LET THEM DOWN SLOWLY

Random Guy #5: Message #1 – first of alll, trying to generate a random conversation with a stranger in person is tough, let alone via online especially a dating site. I read your profile and would love to get to know you more here’s a random fact about me; I love to surf and being active, anything outside fishing running cycling also I help out with the children’s ministry at my church. I help with the puppet ministry and I volunteer with the homeless when I can. I work in the financial services industry. I help middle-income families save money and get out of debt. Mutual funds 401ks annuities educational funds things like that I truly love helping people. I also work part time for the school district in the special ed department as a special ed. one-on-one student aide. I would love to know how your weekend went hope you are having a great week.

P.s. By the way I think you’re one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen

jesus

Me: Thank you for your reply. You seem like a well-rounded gentleman. I like a lot of the qualities that you possess. As for me, I’m a Human Resources Manager for a Retail store and graduate from college this year or next year. I plan on going for my Master’s right after. Most of the time I’m working or going to school, but I enjoy getting out. I like beaches, art, traveling and more. I go to Vegas, or L.A. from time to time to get away from the busy hustle of my life.
I go to church every Sunday — actually my father is a pastor, so I’m pretty active in my church.
I look forward to speaking with you soon and maybe some phone conversations.

Random Guy #5: Hey You 🙂 sorry about the late response I’ve had a lot of catching up to do at work plus some family stuff going on I just wanted to see I didn’t forget about you and I hope you have a great day maybe I could give you a call sometime.

Ok….so…Latino guy, Christian, works in finance…PERFECT right? Well….he sent this message April 15th. Can you tell me what day it is today? I doubt if he died, but really? It’s been over 30 days….on to the next. You win some, you lose some right?

So, online dating feels like a battlefield. It’s shady and not stable. At the end of the day, even if I don’t find true love on here, which I probably won’t, I will have a man worthy of my love, affection, and embraces quality. On the other end, I will continue to have standards. I know what I deserve and I deserve the best!
daddy  standards

lady

sidechick 2

So…I would like to start and say….I AM not an ANGEL by no means.

no angel

During my crazy times in the Army, I partied a lot and did plenty of other things that would make people blush if I mentioned it. I think one of my deadly sins is LUST.

7_Deadly_Sin__Lust_by_rpblaborte

If you have read my previous posts, giving up sex was the hardest thing every, but between 2006 – 2013, I had the time of my life…or so I thought I did.

Again, sex is amazing and the best drug in the world, but other consequences come with it. I’ve messed with a married man or two in the past. I guess, I like the attention from men period and didn’t feel like being caught up in the typical boyfriend/girlfriend situation. But what I realized as time went on is that, “Hurt People, hurt people.” When someone is in the state of “Brokenhearted”, you don’t care about anybody’s feelings but your own. You just want self-gratification and go on living the next day.

Well, your dirty deeds and sins catch up with you. I had a married woman threaten to kill me because of something I did 5 years ago! Just because you did something “back in the day”, doesn’t mean that it will catch up with you.

ex wife

Reaping and sowing or KARMA is definitely real. Currently, I try to do right by people so I don’t reap a whirlwind.

free karma

Many might wonder, “Wow, she put her dirty laundry out like that! or “So what’s the moral of the story?” I won’t get to the moral yet, but when I write blogs here on WordPress, an idea or conversation from someone always sparks me as inspiration and I just want to talk about it.

When I was at work yesterday, I was talking to a co-worker, she stated that she was going to L.A. to see her “married” man. I asked, “Why would you settle for someone married, especially the fact that you were an item at one time? Why didn’t this gentleman marry you?” She stated, “We had a whirlwind of different events for the last few years and now we are back together. I enjoy not having b.s. or dealing with the relationship drama. He is buying me a car and we are going on a cruise together pretty soon. I don’t think I’ll ever get married because I don’t want to be the wife on the other end.” I looked at her in surprise but felt sorry for her. I do not think it’s worth it to be involved with someone married. I was married at one time and even though I was faithful, I would hate to be the wife being cheated on or done wrong.

side chicks 1

I went to Vegas a few weeks ago and met a handsome gentleman. He was of Persian/Indian Descent.

LasVegas

He had a nice car, good looks, or what seemed like I would want. I didn’t pay him no mind while pumping gas at the Chevron near the freeway. But he kept gazing at me. It was like a long stare of lust and yearning. He finally spoke, introduced himself, and asked about my adventure in Vegas. I stated that I went to visit an Army friend, but really didn’t have too much fun. He asked, “You should hang out here for another night.” I replied, “No, I’m going to hit the road and head back to California.” He asked for my number, and of course, I gave it to him.

A week later, he texted me (I HATE TEXTING – RED FLAG #1). I was excited, but at the same time bored because the average guy loves to text or message instead of actually talking. He blabbed on about how pretty I looked at the gas station and asked for a decent picture. I sent it and he was in awe. He then stated, “Whoever gets you will be lucky to have you.” Alright guy…WTF?!?! You asked for my number so why wouldn’t you be lucky? RED FLAG #2. So…I asked, “Have you been married before?” He said, “I’m currently married. Do you have a problem?” OF COURSE I HAVE A PROBLEM! My hope fell like a man jumping off of a Two-Story building during the Stock Market crash in 1929. After that I wasn’t too interested in talking to him, even though it was texting. But again, I am a attention whore, so he would text me and I would entertain. After awhile, he started to talk about his marriage and I made it clear that I would not be a therapist or side chick.

gameover

He stated, “I respect you and think you are beautiful, but you are turning me on right now.” Aaaahhhh…..here we go! So he asked, “When are you coming to Vegas again? I would love to see you again.” I stated, “In a few weeks. I want to explore the Strip and do some shopping.” He then replied, “We should have lunch or something, but you turn me on so much.” I told him, “I don’t mind going to get coffee or something, but you are a married man. I don’t feel comfortable being alone with you.” He said, “Oh, I guess you don’t want to see me.” I said, “That’s not it. I just don’t want to get caught up. I respect marriage and the institution.” He said, “Well, enjoy your trip to Vegas.” I never heard from him again.

standards

The moral of the story is that at this point in my life, I should NOT be entertaining married men. I just can’t settle for being with a married men. I don’t care how much money he has or how many trips he can take me on. I believe in a fairy tale true love, which seems non-existent in these times. I’m terrified of being in a relationship and getting hurt, but Mr. Jones won’t be able to solve that problem for me.

I deserve the best, therefore, I have to act as such. I know what I want and should expect in my life. Of course, I get frustrated with not having a man, having a date, or even sex for that matter, but patience is a virtue and I’m on this journey of self-realization for a reason.

wanderer

wandere 2

“Dear Self”

May 2013

Tijera,

I wrote this letter to make you think about the things you have been going through lately. Right now, you are more vulnerable and sensitive than ever before. You gave your ALL to a man that could not give you the same. Your heart feels battered and your soul feels torn to pieces.

But the question I have for you is this, “Why do you keep displaying yourself to individuals that have such a wretched and dysfunctional personality?” I know every human being in this cold-hearted universe wants love, but your ways seem so masochist and self-destructive. You are on a very detrimental path that will lead to chaos of the heart and soul. It wrecks havoc on your very being. Also, it will affect your joy, passions, and dreams.

STOP feeling like you deserve to be with someone. You are very deserving, but you need to figure yourself out first and move on. It is not time to love someone right now. Your heart needs to heal from the war it just endured. You can’t keep sending an injured soldier to the battlefield. He/she has to rest and recover.

The love of Christ in YOU is what makes you beautiful, delicate, and a conqueror. You do not need any man that will ruin your self-esteem, beauty, confidence, and soul just to acquire the best thing(s) you possess. Your love, intelligence, innermost thoughts, and dreams are your best qualities. No man in this world should EVER tell you lies, so he can take advantage, and crush you.

Hopefully, you have learned from all of this and stop bumping your head against the wall with tears rolling down you face.

Love,

Your Wonderful, Confident, and Sexy S-E-L-F

EXCERPT

Boy, was this a hard time for me (2012 – 2013)! My (ex) husband packed his bags around the holidays (see post “Do 4 Love”) and I decided divorce would be the best option. I did really good in terms of not missing him and keeping myself occupied with school (other things such as exercise and B&N).

Once Valentine’s day hit, I was a WRECK!! I took myself out to dinner, but something was still missing.

stfu

Anyways, it felt like I hit “rock-bottom” and called my so-called friends for advice. They told me to get laid, and I’m thinking, “No, it’s been 3 months and your still MARRIED. I’m doing real good by not jumping in the bed with anyone.” Well…LUST won this situation and I got tied up with *Tony, who was a co-worker that had a “jones” for me (a 6 month crush). This led to making out in his office at work, to close encounters in my apartment, to a movie date and full-blown sex. It was everything I expected….AMAZING! And he was Puerto Rican….LORD JESUS!!!

pr

Even though Tony was not mine and I try not to catch feelings, the way he held my hand and kissed me felt good. It was what I needed at the time…or so I thought….

Well, the glitter starts to fade and we talk (or text), but not that much. I confided in a friend (we will call her *Jody) about our situation and she talked about how Tony (my “smash buddy”) is a sweetheart and she’ll talk to him about what’s going on between us and such.

Tip #1: If your friend or someone else has to intervene in a situation/relationship, it’s already going down hill. You should have the balls to talk about things…or at least he should.

One night me and Jody were at the local Wal-Mart and I kept asking her about him. She said I’m stuck on him too much and need to move on. Then Jody tells me he takes “Designer Drugs” (SPICE) and is sleeping with other girls. OMG!!!

spice

Now, my (other) friends that advised me to get laid were now saying, “Girl you moved too fast and shouldn’t of messed with him.” , “He’s from Philly, guys from there ain’t s#%@, “All you got was some good d%@$ and a I-pod…LMAO!!!”, and “You were so stupid!” Bitch what!?!?!?!? Then one of  them said, “Don’t feel played cause you enjoyed the sex just as much as he did.” Really?!?! So much for friends!

fu

I really start to feel some type of way about all of this. It just drove me up the wall. Not cause I wanted to squeeze his hand until it exploded or date him, I enjoyed talking to him and wanted to keep having sex. SEX was on my mind 24/7!!! My ex stopped sleeping with me after Thanksgiving 2013 (I was on a 3 month drought before Tony) , so the desire to  “smash” became my “designer drug.” No matter how many times I listened Rihanna or to “Kitty Kat” by Beyonce’ as a “pick-me-up”, I still felt used, played, and lied to. I need to channel B or RiRi’s confidence, but I just felt so torn and worn out. Then I got into the “Drake” modes which had me crying and rolling all over my apartment floor. Tony also gave me his I-pod to borrow, which had lots of Drake, so I zoned out into sadness and despair.

bday  beyonce

As time went on we drifted apart big time. We had sex a few more times (4 total) and then…Tony didn’t want it anymore. I even offered to give him “head” and he declined (what crazy guy does that?!?!)! I thought I wasn’t pretty enough or whatever but he kept saying it was him and not me….blah, blah, blah. All of the sudden, he had an issue with me still being married, even though he knew all of this when we decided to talk more and I was filing for divorce (I never saw my ex after he left in December). More and more things came up that he disliked so our little “thing.” could just end. Tony’s favorite phrase was, “It’s not like that, but….” So…what is it like MF!?!?!?

I remember calling my mom in tears (It was hysterical and dramatic. I could of won an Oscar).

oscar

Well what does Mom do? She tries to help but I keep hearing, “I told you so”, “It’s your fault. How could you fall for that”, and “No matter what they tell you, everything changes after sex.” I felt like I was hit by a train. I needed support. Well, Daddy got on the phone and I was relieved. He told me everything Mom said in a cool and collective way. He also prayed with me and I felt a lot better, but still troubled. I felt weak and useless.

Before he left for Germany, Tony apologized in a weird way (by accusing me of being clingy or crazy. I wanted d@$% guy, not marriage), but admitted that he and Jody had sex before! You would of thought Hiroshima went off in my head.  I was PISSED, but also hurt.

kelis

“I hate you so much right now…AAAAAAHHHHHH!” – Caught Out There, Kelis

I knew something was wrong when she had Fire Guard Duty in his dorm/barracks and he let her spend the night in his room. How are you gonna tell me Tony isn’t s%@$, and all these other things but you sat on his d#$^ a couple of times?  I told Tony I wouldn’t tell her, because we would of all been in a whirlwind of drama (you cannot be involved with other people while being in the military and married. Even though I was separated, Tony and I could of lost our military careers.), but I blasted Jody a few weeks later. Of all things, Jody was married (a very rocky marriage), sleeping with different guys on the base, had an abortion (the baby was by her recent “FWB” who was still married) and visiting her husband on the weekends. And she only dated or slept with black dudes?!? Yeah right! I hate having “left-over” men. I don’t want to know my friend slept with you, but I’m glad I did. That’s why the little heifer was blocking and always “downing” him. He ain’t s$%^ or innocent either.

But, I did make some mistakes in all of this. I learned that vulnerability will get you in HOT WATER! I should of healed instead of jumping head first into anything. Guys prey off sensitivity and vulnerability. I guess I forgot the “GAME” after being with the same man for 5 years. They will lie, rob, cheat, or steal, to get what they want from you (between your legs). The experience will be heaven, but then change from purgatory to HELL in a matter of days, weeks, or months.

On the other hand….Karma is a $@%#&!!! That’s another blog.

karma

Still didn’t learn my lesson. I had a few one-night stands and made other stupid mistakes. After a few months, I realized the “GAME” is more jacked up than it was 5-8 years ago. I went from married to night stalker. I just didn’t understand how guys change after sex. Was it bad, me, my body, etc.? After a while, I realized…it was not me. They got what they wanted and were done. It’s evil and sad, but guess what????….THE TRUTH HURTS!!! And all I wanted was sex….not a relationship, but you can’t even have a “Friends with benefits” these days (FWB is nothing but a “situationship.”) What hurts my feelings are lies. I HATE LIARS (see my post, “In My Humble Opinion”, Your so THOTFUL)! What woman keeps getting denied of sex? The answer to this question is getting sex was not the issue, but getting sex from the same person multiple times was. I refused to be with 20 guys within a 3 month period, I needed to figure out something quick to ease my mind from the pain and confusion I was feeling. One things for sure, sex without love damages the heart and soul. Sometimes, they will NEVER recover, but was I too late?!?

one night stand  heartbreak

So, October 2013, I decided to go celibate. This was not the easiest decision, but I needed to heal my heart and mind from all the garbage of my marriage and escapades. No more bed hopping for me, but soul searching. Also, it was for religious purposes. Now I think about it and I should of waited until I got married. This whole dating, smashing, and other useless love news is garbage!

celibate

The first 6 months was hell!!! I almost gave in around month #4 to some $@#hole I messed with right before I went celibate. I’m glad I didn’t. He tried to sleep with my roommate, neighbor, and has a GF who was 6 months pregnant. Of course he lied and said he was single! Again, can we all be adults about “sexual needs” and stop lying?!?

None of my friends agreed to what I was doing and I had a roommate who had a dude every night. It was like a total of 12  by the time she moved out. Then my whorish neighbor would have sex upstairs and then chat with me the next day about changing my mind about celibacy and just having fun. Now, I don’t judge, but don’t get upset when I decide to make a difference. She was a little snake cause the guy I just mentioned with the GF…well…she egged a lot of stuff on one night at a club and she wanted to mess with him too. It was a big mess and I also learned a lesson – STAY ON THE RIGHT TRACK!!!! I did the right thing and thank you *Tasha for being a “attention” whore.” Your acts turned me off to Mr. $@#hole and I went to bed…ALONE! The best thing for me! Plus I was crazy drunk. I remember vomiting the next morning…eeeeeewwww! I didn’t need to do anything with anyone that night.

So, It’s been almost a year and I’m actually happy (I have my days). I don’t know the pleasure or pain side of having sex because I really don’t care. Ok…let me re-phrase that. I miss it sometimes, but the drama ALWAYS outweighs the sex. Now I can walk away with my dignity instead of a man walking away with my heart. Best believe!

XOXO,

Tijera

“In My Humble Opinion (Pt. 1), “Your so THOTFUL”

September 1, 2013

“You’re so bad [boy], your’re so awful…We aren’t in this for commitment…”

“Thotful” by Drake (2014).

drake

HELL is other people”

Jean-Paul Sartre

hell

The real question is…why are MEN the way they are? I guess I need to explain my question some more…lol.

question

Some say, well most men would say they are simple and easy to understand, but I beg to differ. Lying and having excuses for EVERYTHING is unacceptable. I shouldn’t expect this behavior from grown and consenting adults. These days, men are not even honest or straight forward about friends with benefits.

“An excuse is a reason stuffed with a lie.” – Rihanna

fwb  sex

When I first joined the military, lost my virginity in 2006, and got to the point where relationships were overrated, this deal right here (“fwb”) was the best thing smokin’. Now the friends with benefits ordeal is tainted, complicated, and becoming extinct like chivalry. The best way I can describe it now would be more like a freakin’ “situationship” with catching feelings and broken hearts. Guys “smashing” once and never hearing a word from them EVER again (some instances, they are #$%&ing your friend or your apartment neighbor!! They know it was a a-hole move, so they disappear. #TRUE STORY). The KICKER for me is a guy wanting you to be a “fwb” but is married with children! How are you going to lie about being single when your not?!?! WOW!

I thought sex was suppose to be fun and drama-free?!?!? It’s sad that one can get played without desiring a relationship. Just smash , go home, then I call you (or you call) again next week for another round.

sex  bootygirl fight

WTF is wrong with this world?!?!?!?

scream

If I wanted to have sex or “smash” one time and thought fondly about the experience, I could of had a one night stand and been done with it…JESUS!

one night stand  ons

Best believe, I have stories I can pull out of my butt-hole of the b.s. I have went through in the name of SEX and a damn CLIMAX! I started to question myself about my sexual performance, body type, hygiene, etc. I decided I cannot let someone’s issues make me insecure. Some guys just want to conquer, score, or have ulterior motives (why the hidden bull #@$%???). It’s THEIR PROBLEM, not mine.

body

“Situationship” Song:

“Catch No Feelings” by Drake feat. Andre’ 3000 (2014)

At the end of the day, I feel like I do not need the b.s. in my life. This chick right here is binding her #%$@ (kitty kat) up like a chastity belt.

beltNO  heartbreak

I value myself way too much, no matter how many sexual needs, urges, or desires I have from here on out. #TEAM TIJERA

Today’s definitive conclusion about humanity…..

dueces   boo  Rihanna-1_zpsf9316465

“Sexy” Intern

(Material not safe for work NSFW & children under 18 – ONLY 18+)

July 28, 2014

My work experiences have been interesting since I separated from the military back in June. I have gained so much experience in terms of being a better Human Resources Professional. Since Public Relations is part of my double major, I have been looking for opportunities in this field as well.

As you all know, I’ve been an HR Assistant with VAIN LLC (www.ericavain.com) for 2 months now, but just took on a Public Relations Intern Position with a (drum roll) SEX TOY company (I’m going to be a very busy girl)! It sounds a little odd for the fact that I am a born-again Christian and celibate (OMG!). The celibacy part might also sound crazy, but I stay focused and keep my mind off sex when I stay busy (working + college), so seeing these articles, products, and stories does not turn me on in any way, shape, or form. I do not think anything is wrong for an individual or couples to purchase sex toys or paraphernalia. Whatever happens in the bedroom is none of my business! Can I get an AMEN?!?!

toys1

Today was my first day and it was interesting. Over the weekend, I conducted research on toys and was surprised about “green” products. I did not know toys could be made of glass, wood, or stone!!! Talk about “grainin’ on that wood.”

drunk in love

wood

Then today, I looked up some articles on “50 Shades of Grey” (novel) and it’s influence toward adult audiences and sex stores (BD&SM product sales went sky high!!!). Lastly, I found a few interesting articles, like this one….

r-FARRAH-ABRAHAM-large570-665x385

FARRAH ABRAHAM:

“TEEN MOM” WEARS LINGERIE & PROVIDES SEXY TOY DEMOS AT HER SEX TOY PARTY

http://www.inquisitr.com/1377645/farrah-abraham-wears-lingerie-and-provides-sex-toy-demos-at-her-sex-party-photos/

AND

No judgement here, in terms of Miss Teen Mom. To each its own….

So my day was fun and filled with lots of research, which isn’t an easy task. Wish me luck on my next few months!  : )

XOXO,

Tijera

UPDATE:

As of August 18, 2014, I no longer intern at MSL. I enjoyed working here, but this Algebra course is taking a toll. Hopefully I can gain PR experience at a different company in the future. I guess I did a good job, because the CEO offered me 25% on any items I purchase!! I guess I’ll be shopping for new toys soon, which I need. The “lipstick” one is getting old. I need some variety!

kiss

Retrieved from :

Farrah Abraham, “Teen Mom” – http://www.inquisitr.com

Sex Toy Pics (Oral Stimulator & Nobessence Fling Dildo) – http://www.mysecretluxury.com

“50 Shades of Grey” & Consumer Influence – “Blushing Fifty Shades of Red” Interview by Rebecca Lee Douglas. http://www.studio360.org/story/214949-fifty-shades-red/

“Drunk in Love” Beyonce’ Picture, http://www.kelaskloset.com

Song excerpt: “Drunk in Love”, Knowles, B., Fisher, N., Carter, S., Proctor, A., Diaz, R., Soko, B., Mosley, T., & Harmon, J. (2014). Produced by BOOTS. Columbia Record.