HOTEL CALIFORNIA – SMALL TOWN BLUES

July 3, 2015

I’m originally from Los Angeles, California.

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Around the age of 6 or 7, my parents decided to live in the Antelope Valley, which the real estate was cheaper and a better quality of living compared to the big city. Lancaster was the first stop. As a kid, it was difficult adjusting to the educational system. Around the early 90’s, there was a lot of racism in the school system from faculty and students alike. Even when I went to private school down the line, I felt like didn’t belong. People assumed that all black people were on welfare and ignorant, while my sister and I lived in a suburban neighborhood, talked proper, and dressed very nicely.

Next, my parents decided to move to California City in 1993.

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This was the first time they became homeowners. My Dad used his VA Loan, which helped out tremendously. At first, I enjoyed the country lifestyle and being able to play outside in the streets. Once I hit 13 or 14, I became highly annoyed, like I am now. I didn’t have too many friends. I was a nerd and most of my friends were military kids, so they moved away.

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I used to remember traveling to L.A. with my family and being fascinated with the big city life.

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I would have desires of graduating from college, owning my own home, living in the big city, and one day raising a family. I would always cry when we left L.A. because I knew what would be waiting for me in California City — no life!

Once I hit high school, my parents put me back in private school, which was a mistake (My mom and dad realized I was “boy crazy” and couldn’t imagine me being a teen mom). The school lowered their religious and moral standards, so any student was accepted. I would have girls threaten to fight me and everything. I decided to be home schooled around 10th grade and graduate early. I ended up working a few jobs such as a waitress, grocery store clerk, medical assistant, and then got laid off at my last job, which was working at a Chiropractor office. I decided right then and there that I needed some adventure and culture, so I swore in the U.S. Army in 2005 and headed out to Basic Training.

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Fast forward 9 years later, I moved back to my small town last year from the Army. I had a hard time with the divorce and the hectic Army schedule. It felt nice to finally be back at home in the arms of my family.

my house

(U.S. Air Force graphic)

I also landed a job 15 minutes away from my home and get to finally live in my house after 6 years. It’s been over a year and I’m starting to feel miserable. I live 45 minutes to 2 hours from all of the cities with action. My life mostly consist of work and college, which has been getting me down lately. I don’t feel motivated at all and feel like my whole life is dedicated to working hard to make a living for myself and to maintain my independence. Some days, I want to cry or punch a hole in the wall.

When I lived in NC, I joined a Yoga and Pole Fitness class. I felt relaxed, confident, and vibrant.

pole dance embrace

(**Actual photos of my Pole & Yoga studio in NC)

In this area, the closest Yoga and Pole class is 60-100 miles away. Also, the mall was nearby, with a few other favorite stores and if I ever needed a break from Fayettiville, Atlanta, my NaNa, and “cray cray” cousin Miko weren’t too far away.

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Back to my physical fitness, I have a gym membership here, but due to small town living, a lot of drama goes on. For example, I went with my mom to the gym just to hang out (I wasn’t working out). I had on regular non-gym clothes (flip-flops, tank top, and shorts). While my mom and I are laughing and joking around, a staff member that was off shift and working out comes up to me in a nasty attitude and says, “You can’t be in here with flip-flops. You need to leave.” The main reason she came up to me is because when I walked in, all of the guys were checking me out. I guessed I ruined her “flirtation mojo.” I can’t help being a 34DD and a size 0. I was born this way! One of the staff members on shift came up and started hitting on me. He even told me that I can wear his shoes so I can stay, but I didn’t want to cause any issues with him during his shift, so I waited in the car until my mom was done working out.

Next, my job. I love what I do in terms of helping out the employees and serving our military, but I do bump heads with the other management. A lot of them don’t understand that I’m a manager and very young looking. I don’t get the respect I deserve. Most of the management try to throw me under the bus or make it like I’m incompetent. Being the only African-American in management doesn’t help either.

With that being said, my job offers mobility, which means I can travel all over the U.S. and the world as a manager. I can also participate in the HR Management Trainee program and get promoted from an HR Tech to an HR Manager I, which means more money. If I do not go mobile, I will stay in my current position and once I reach my pay maximum of $21.00 per hour, i go no further. Also, I’m the only HR person there. People expect me to be in a million places at once and I put O/T in without getting paid, because its not allowed. When I went on my random business trips to Fort Irwin, i noticed that the HR Teams consist of 2-4 people. Even though the stores are bigger, the team can reach out to each other. I feel like I have no support. I don’t think I want to be the ONLY HR person for 20+ years like the last one. So if I don’t go mobile, I will stay stuck and not progress. When you don’t grow, you basically DIE — on a professional level. I don’t think I will get a raise either once I graduate from college in a few months. One option would be that I can go Civil Service, which means I can buy back my military service time and retire in 11 years. I will also make more money, and I can still travel. Or….go with another company. I even thought about deploying to the Middle East as an HR Tech (with AAFES) for 12-15 months, but they will not have opportunities until next year.

I discussed my concerns with my parents, but we argue all of the time. They say, “God has a plan for you being in this town.” or “You cannot make decisions until you pray. God might not want you to move. You need to be closer to Him and find out what you need to do.” Also, I have 2 lovely dogs and my mom says, “If you travel, they will have anxiety all over and I’m not watching them if you deploy for a year.”

Crossing out Plan A and writing Plan B on a blackboard.

I get more frustrated and angry. I believe these discussion/arguments create a big divide between my family and I hate that. I want us to get along and for them to understand how I feel. I know parents always want best for their children, but if my family really knew how I felt. I feel so defeated and discouraged. I feel like I get no support from them. Today I told my mom about the deployment idea and she replied, “YOU CAN’T DO THAT! You need to ask God and you can’t leave your dogs.” I said, “I’m grown last time I checked. You need to say ‘I shouldn’t’ not ‘I can’t.’ I can do what I want.” I’m starting to feel resentment towards my parents and my Christian upbringing. I feel like “The man upstairs.” is not understanding my situation and basically punishing me. There is always these “do not” rules and it’s getting pretty played out. I know that sounds wrong, but I feel so trapped. I couldn’t imagine residing in Cal City being His ultimate and divine plan for my life.

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I would love to move somewhere like Las Vegas, where I’m 3 hours from home, but I can start over and live in a big city with more opportunities.

dentist-las-vegas-nv2  VEGAS 3

L.A. is a heck no! The traffic and real estate is so ungodly. I refuse to struggle out there.

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Also, my company is in Vegas, so if an HR slot opens, I can transfer. Lastly, the real estate is cheap! I would have to sell, rent, or keep my house for when I come and visit, but it would be worth it. The best catch with my house is that my mortgage is only $500 per month and it’s a beautiful home! My sister stays with me, so I pay $250 per month for mortgage. I save a lot of money.

The last point is a love life. Some days I feel so unlucky like I wasn’t born under these stars.

sponge bob

I never had a real boyfriend growing up in this town. When I joined the Army, I got a little wild, then married, then divorced, and did some more playing around, but decided to be celibate back in 2013. I moved back here and I feel like I’m 16 all over again. I get no dates or attention. You would think that I work on a military base and that would help, but no. I guess I don’t look “plain Jane” or need a green card — or overweight for that matter. Because of the limited availability of men and my work/college schedule, I decided to do online, which I’m starting to regret.

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I’ve been on Tagged, POF, and OK Cupid. Most are looking for booty or a place to lay their head. i have standards and refuse to be a “flunkie” in my 20’s, so I’m not going for it. I finally cancelled all of my accounts and started E-Harmony. I could find better quality of men and someone that wants to settle down….or so I thought. I got hits as soon as I got on, but when guys realize I’m not easy, I gets no love folks! I was supposed to go out on a date tonight with a guy in the local area and he cancelled because “Even though our chemistry is great, you are looking for a serious relationship while I’m looking for a casual thing.” Really? Isn’t chemistry the best factor? I believe if you don’t have chemistry, you have nothing. For the last 3 days, this guy has been talking about getting to know me, goals, and sharing mutual interests. But since I pulled out the celibacy card, I go out of the window. Ugh….the struggle is real. Who the heck goes on E-Harmony for casual sex? I even state on my profile my true intentions, which is celibacy and settling down. I guess people can’t or don’t want to read.

The other guy looked like a pedophile and is really weird on the phone. He claims to be a Christian, but is really weird. He has never dated an African-American woman before, so I think he’s searching for the “experience.” He wants to get married in 3-6 months, explained to me all of his disabilities, likes bondage, we don’t have much in common, and he wants to take up a hobby in “gambling.” I’m not going to risk my money and livelihood for your pleasure of Black Jack & Russian Roulette.

pony hate

Lately, I’ve been re-thinking celibacy as well. It’s so frustrating and disappointing to come home alone, sleep alone, and just do everything alone. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve gained much clarity and sanity since I started my journey in 2013, but I feel so unhappy as well. Most of my old Army friends tell me I need to get laid, but I don’t think that would solve anything. Well….maybe….I did a post awhile back about the show “Gigolos” from Showtime.

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My favorite gentleman is Ash and I see the struggle most women deal with. They get stood up on dates, taken advantage of, or abused. At the end of the day, they want sex, love, and affection without the drama of being rejected. I promise you that I’ve thought about it. I know it’s a taboo subject but I’d rather pay for sex then be caught up in the friends with benefits bs. I’ve already done that and it’s not fun. Friends with benefits is non-existent.

In conclusion, I am a small town girl with BIG DREAMS! I don’t want to feel isolated or miserable by residing here. The world has so much to offer and I feel like I’m missing out on everything.

Almost Doesn’t Count

(Continuation to “Lames”)

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I wish I could say that I finally have love cornered against the wall. or the fact that I’m absolutely bulletproof, but ladies and gentlemen…I am neither.

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So, I take my co-workers advice and start an E-Harmony account. This will be my last and final shimmery hope of online dating. Silly me though….I made the mistake of getting a year account, which was $200! I thought I would get credited $20 per month out of my account. So much for my Loan bill….ugh…..

Two days on E-Harmony, I get a smile and a message from a handsome, Latino gentleman from Las Vegas — did I mention he is a Christian too. So now, I’m all pumped up and excited. He sends me 5 questions and I do the same. I get a message a few days later stating, “You are very beautiful and I would like to get to know you better.” I message him my phone number and I get an instant text saying, “Hi, this is Sergio*”

My conversations with Sergio turned from texting to straight up FaceTime. I finally got to see his face compared to the pictures and he looks the rapper Pit Bull!

pitbull

He was also a Christian and seemed respectful, so I’m relieved that I’m finally talking to a gentleman. Even though we live 3 hours away, we agreed that I would come out there in mid-July to see if we will work out (first date compatibility). I did not want him to come out to my town because it’s boring and absolutely nothing to do. Vegas seems way much better!

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So one night, we are doing Facetime and I said, “I submitted my leave in for mid-July and awaiting approval. I am going to go ahead and start looking at hotels.” Sergio says, “Why get a hotel? You can stay at my place.” I got one of those HOLD UP….WTF moments again….ugh….why!

no you didn't

I kindly said, “I would prefer to stay in a hotel since we are meeting each other for the first time. Plus, I’m celibate and looking for something serious. I just don’t think it would be a good idea to stay at your place.” He said, “I’m sorry. Did I offend you?” I said, “No, I am just playing it safe.”

As the days went on, I noticed our conversations lessened a bit, but he was still texting (I was too), so I didn’t get worried. During my business trip, I asked, “Do you want to talk tonight?” Then, I fell asleep. I woke up to a text saying, “I called you.” I’m like, “No you didn’t. Try again.” Since I was staying in a hotel at an Army base, the reception is TERRIBLE. So for 30 minutes we tried getting in touch with each other. Now, I’ll be honest….I LOVE MAKEUP and I’m very high maintenance.

FLOWER CHILD  cat eyes

This time, I had NO MAKEUP on. I thought “bump it.” I can’t be made up all the time. I want to be honest and real with this guy. I will never look like a model 24/7.

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So, when he sees me on Facetime, he doesn’t look too happy. He could not get off of Facetime any faster. So I’m thinking, “Dang, did I look that bad?”

After our Facetime mishap, I got lesser texts than before. He used to call me “doll.” I wasn’t even getting that anymore. The last text I received from him was this past Friday which was, “Good Morning.” I texted back, “How are you?” and that was it. I didn’t get a reply or anything.

So, I had a pep talk with my mom about the strange events between Sergio and I. She felt like he is not talking much over the hotel issue. I did tell her that the talks became less over the hotel comment. My Dad laughed because he knew what was up.

So, there is this page on Facebook called RTAR (Real Talk About Relationships). I posted my current situation about Sergio and wanted to know what would be my next move. I heard different replies such as, “I wouldn’t go to Vegas now.”, “He’s after booty. Leave that alone.”, “Girl, I would go by myself and ‘turn up'”, and lastly, “You aren’t giving him a chance. Maybe call him and see what happens.” I know he was currently working on a boxing project involving Mayweather and I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, but something in me didn’t settle right. A gentleman on the RTAR page gave me the best advice ever!

Mr. Terrence –
Good morning Tijera, to be honest with you he sees you as an out-of-town booty call, no man with any respect, decency, or common courtesy would pull that old school move. It’s the oldest trick in the book to extend his place to you, to lessen the burden of having to spend money for a hotel room. Tijera, I have two beautiful daughters like yourself and trust me they were well educated about scenarios like this. The reason he slowed down the communication is by design and with a purpose. First one is to make you feel guilty by flipping the script on you for not wanting to stay at his house on your first visit. Secondly, this is a way for him to end the relationship on his terms. Finally, he’s trying to wait and feel you out so he can apologize for his mistake for not respecting your wishes in the beginning. Tijera, he his already showing no respect in the early stages of your friendship how can you trust him in a long term relationship? Trust your instinct and your heart, communication is the key for all aspects of life. You deserve the best don’t settle for less make these men earn your love, heart, and trust please.
instinct
So, Saturday morning, I woke up and decided to call him and try — even though deep down I knew that I wouldn’t probably here from him anymore and my gut instinct was right about everything.

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I mostly don’t do this (phone call dudes or blow up their phone) and I did not get the normal “Good Morning” text I would always get from, but I needed closure. This situation was frustrating me because I felt like I didn’t do anything wrong and this was a classic game.

So, I called and said, “Hey Sergio! This is Tijera. I hope your project is going well and I we haven’t talked in a few days, so I hope everything is good with you. Hit me up when you get a chance.” Ladies and gentleman…I didn’t get a call back or text and that was my signal. Silence from someone can give you the best and ONLY answer….move on! I have so much to do, I have to carry on.

The normal reaction for me is to get down a bit, which I did because I’m just tired of games.

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I’m in my 30’s and actually looking for something real. I’m not about sex (like I was in my 20’s or after my divorce) or treating people bad (asking for money and using dudes). I’m not the type of woman to ask about light bill or gas money and not even know the dude.

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One thing I notice about men these days is that they say they can handle and independent, self-made woman who has her own, but deep down they feel like they are losing control or don’t feel deserving of me, which again is not my problem. I would rather rise with someone, then have to drag them all over the place. What happened to “power couples?”

I don’t deserve it
She’s just a little too perfect
She’s just a little too worth it
I don’t deserve her at all, no not at all
I only text her, man I never call
I’m still a canine at heart, I’m a dog

Company ~ Drake

drake

On the other end, I don’t need a man inquiring about booty and not wanting to get to know me. These times are definitely rough. Money and sex are the main motivation instead of love. In my personal and humble opinion, he could be talking to more than one girl. In these situations, the sluttiest one WINS! I just want something real, even though I have some days when I want to give up and just get laid. I am starting to feel that being the “good girl” and doing the right thing sometimes takes a toll. I feel like I’m finishing last.

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“To be honest I find it hard to believe that there’s someone out there that would be able to spend the rest of their life with me.”

~Rihanna

It took me a day or two to realize that I didn’t do anything wrong and I walked away proudly (again for the millionth time). I don’t have to text him constantly or get “ratchet.” Sometimes I let things get to me or think I’m not good enough. I think I have something (relationship/love) in the bag, but it slips out of my hands. You know what though? It’s his lost & his problem, not mine. I don’t have time for games & bs. In all honesty, I’d rather would of respected Sergio more if he was honest & said that I wasn’t the girl he wanted or didn’t want to wait. Instead, he went away silently and faded into the black. It goes to show you that he wasn’t man enough for me. I shouldn’t have to lower my standards or act like a loose whore to get a man’s attention.

smart

nice guy - aholes

So instead of focusing on stupid men and games, I’m taking that different “angle” and it feels good. I’m getting caught up at work & 9 classes left until my Bachelor’s degree. I just try and keep my mind & motivation on the REAL things that matter!

wednesday    baby girl focus

Hopefully one day I get to finally achieve what I want in love!

relationship goals interracial

Tijera

LAMES……

So, I decided to go ahead and get rid of OK Cupid, Christian Mingle, Tagged, etc. I needed some breathing room from the carnal demands of online dating.

big tits

Remember my last post about my online dating disasters? Well, one of the guys I decided to give a chance (MR. HIT & MISS), which was the WRONG decision. So, let me tell my story. Anyways, a few weekends ago, he contacted me via text and wanted to hang out. It was the weekend, so I was pretty much “free” after my studying and homework was complete. I talked to him (via text) around noon and stated, “We should meet up later and hang out.” He said, “Ok cool. I’m at work, but we will talk later.”

mixed signals

I added, “I will be close to your town so maybe we can hang out and get something to eat. I will be running errand (i.e. Walmart, Nail Salon), so when you get off work, just let me know.”

6 hours later, I’m at the nail salon and he texts, “What are you doing?” I told him I was getting my nails done and if he wanted to meet up, we can do so in about an hour or so. He said, “Ok.” Then, about an hour or two later, he texts and says, “I don’t think I’m going to make it because I haven’t left the house yet. I feel like this idea or plan is too much at the last minute but you can come to my house or we can meet up at a park”….HOLD UP….WTF!?!?!

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Just to fill you all in, I’ve had a stalker before and a bunch of other crazy events during my Army years and I REFUSE to meet someone from online in a dark and/or private place. I texted him back and said, “Look, I am going out to eat with or without you, so if you do not want to go, then that’s fine.” So…I did. I went to Applebee’s and enjoyed a nice meal with a drink.  I don’t care about doing things on my own. It is what it is.

On my way home, he texts and says, “I feel awful because I could of went out.” I texted back, “That’s too bad.” The next following days, I kept getting these stupid “Hello” texts from him and I was getting very annoyed. I should of followed my first instinct of just cutting him off all together because he pulled a “booty call” move, which didn’t work on me. So, I finally blocked his number and I killed Cupid with his own bow and arrow (canceling my account).

bitch asshole

Then to top it all of, remember “married” Vegas dude? Yeah…he texted me the same day or a few days later asking when I was going down to Vegas again? I asked, “How are you and your wife?” and I got a silent pause. I just kill them with kindness. : ) I will be blocking his number as well. His name is not in my phone, but he pops up every now and then like a nasty zit.

SAY NO

I feel like I made the right choice, but again, a girl gets real lonely sometimes and would desire a relationship compared to booty calls, one night stands, and friends with benefits. So, I go out on a business trip to Fort irwin to train a new Human Resource Assistant. She was telling me about how she met her husband on E-Harmony and there are a better quality of men. All of the sudden….the light bulb clicked on!

lightbulb

I thought about it for a bit and decided that I will give it a try. E-harmony will be my last hope with online dating. If this doesn’t work, I don’t know what else will…….

TO BE CONTINUED……..

Tijera

“You said hello to me
I said hello to you
You ask me where I’m from
I asked you what you do
You some how intrigued me
I thought you were so cool
Somewhere between hi and goodbye
I felt so comfortable
I felt like we could talk all night
So i gave my number to you”
– Yes, Beyonce’

HELLO

YONCE
So…one would think relationship or something blossoming would start like this. Well, it should but it doesn’t happen like that. Even though I’m celibate, I would eventually like to build on something and be with someone worthy of me. As you all know, I have been on my online dating journey for a few months. For the most part, I’m consumed with work and school. I don’t have random dudes approaching me at the grocery store or on base, so I though online dating would be simple right?
YEAH RIGHT!

AWKWARD MOMENT
For the most part, I am a woman of class and ambition. I guess most of these dudes are used to trash or ratchets, so they approach me as such. smh….

QUALITY

Not does only quality cost money, but it cost time, sacrifice, and more. That is what I’m looking for…QUALITY!
So, I would like to put on BLAST all of my awkward online dating moments…..HERE WE GO!!

shade
MR. HIT & MISS
Random Guy: Hey! – 10:37am
Me: Hi! – 12:37pm (2 hour delay due to home improvements)
12 hours later on a weekend….
Random Guy 1: Hey – 11:08pm
Me: Hi! Whatsup with texting so late? – 11:08pm
Random Guy 1: My bad, I sent that text hours ago. – 11:09pm
Me: Really? I never got it – 11:09pm
Random Guy 1: SILENCE – No response – 11:10pm and beyond….
E=MC Lies & B.S.

For ONE….I hate late night texts. You can hear my voice and call. Also, I have to wonder if you are involved with someone due to the fact that I only hear from you at night time. Most guys that text really late (i.e. 10pm and beyond) are horn dogs looking for a “cum dumpster” or have been playing the good boyfriend/husband role most of the day. And now you want to talk around midnight or a week later? I’ll pass….

actions
JAILBIRD CLOWN
Random Guy 2: Hey! – Look sweetheart I have to be honest with you….Currently I’m incarcerated but I get out soon. I hope you don’t judge me. Hope I can continue to get to know you.
Me: I don’t judge by no means, but I don’t think I want to pursue this.
Random Guy 2: Well I come home in November. I think if you get to know me more, you will see that was a mistake I will never make again.
Me: Question though….why would you have a OK Cupid page and you are locked up? Not trying to be rude or offensive by no means, but I would wait to pursue someone after I’m out.
Random Guy 2: SILENCE – No response…

JAIL BIRD

Ok, another synopsis. I dated a jail bird back in 2008 and it was a nightmare. He stalked me after we broke up, threatened to kill me, major pot head/drug dealer, and always complained about how he couldn’t get a job because he had a felony. I don’t want to hear the garbage or deal with it. I’m not waiting for no jail bird!

SUPER FREAK
Me: Congrats on almost being done with Nursing school!
Random Guy 3: Hey thank you!
Me: You are welcome! I have one more year of college so I feel your struggle.
Random Guy 3: What’s your major?
Me: Human Resources Management
Random Guy 3: Nice good choice, what are you doing?
Me: Just got home from my parents house. Just chilling.
Random Guy 3: Lol. I’m in bed trying to jack off before I pass out. lol.

Me: SILENCE…..LOG OUT!

KERMIT
Enough said with this b.s. scenario. Late night freak. Just cause you feel that way, don’t mean I do. Why does a convo about nursing school & HR make you horny?

TASTE THE RAINBOW!!!!

skittles

Random Guy 4: how u doing sweetheart
Me: I’m good & you?
Random Guy 3: cant complain. u look very sexy in ur pix,if u dont mind me saying
Me: Thank you!
Random Guy 3: no prob,i meant it. so u into bisexual guys by any chance?
Me: Not really.
Random Guy 3: oh ok. well its really nothing serious for me,just to let u know. i like females much more. only turned bi a couple of years ago,used to be str8. But other than that,im all about females. honestly,if i had a wifey as beautiful as you,id never even look at another guy again,no bs. its not like its something i cant live without.

straight

SSSSOOOOO……I’m all for whatever floats people’s boat, but…..I’m not getting with a dude that pumps cakes then wants to stick it in me. I’m sorry….

I’m scrolling through my phone to find the crazy message that sounded like a Zane book….lmao! But…I can’t find it…

Lastly,

MR. LET THEM DOWN SLOWLY

Random Guy #5: Message #1 – first of alll, trying to generate a random conversation with a stranger in person is tough, let alone via online especially a dating site. I read your profile and would love to get to know you more here’s a random fact about me; I love to surf and being active, anything outside fishing running cycling also I help out with the children’s ministry at my church. I help with the puppet ministry and I volunteer with the homeless when I can. I work in the financial services industry. I help middle-income families save money and get out of debt. Mutual funds 401ks annuities educational funds things like that I truly love helping people. I also work part time for the school district in the special ed department as a special ed. one-on-one student aide. I would love to know how your weekend went hope you are having a great week.

P.s. By the way I think you’re one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen

jesus

Me: Thank you for your reply. You seem like a well-rounded gentleman. I like a lot of the qualities that you possess. As for me, I’m a Human Resources Manager for a Retail store and graduate from college this year or next year. I plan on going for my Master’s right after. Most of the time I’m working or going to school, but I enjoy getting out. I like beaches, art, traveling and more. I go to Vegas, or L.A. from time to time to get away from the busy hustle of my life.
I go to church every Sunday — actually my father is a pastor, so I’m pretty active in my church.
I look forward to speaking with you soon and maybe some phone conversations.

Random Guy #5: Hey You 🙂 sorry about the late response I’ve had a lot of catching up to do at work plus some family stuff going on I just wanted to see I didn’t forget about you and I hope you have a great day maybe I could give you a call sometime.

Ok….so…Latino guy, Christian, works in finance…PERFECT right? Well….he sent this message April 15th. Can you tell me what day it is today? I doubt if he died, but really? It’s been over 30 days….on to the next. You win some, you lose some right?

So, online dating feels like a battlefield. It’s shady and not stable. At the end of the day, even if I don’t find true love on here, which I probably won’t, I will have a man worthy of my love, affection, and embraces quality. On the other end, I will continue to have standards. I know what I deserve and I deserve the best!
daddy  standards

The Hustle

I thank God I am seeing better days! I can look back on my past, see my present and be thankful. I remember when I had $4 to my name and had a billion bills to pay.

broke

So…in these types of situations….there is always a way out, and that my friend is the hustle. While I was in the Army, I would create resumes or LinkedIn profiles for transitioning soldiers. Also, the pawn shop became my best friend, even though I never stepped foot in one my entire life. I remember staying up to the “wee hours” doing resumes or pawning jewelry or video games for gas money and cigarettes. THOSE WERE THE DAYS……AAAAHHHH!!

On the other end….have you ever thought about going to the EXTREME to meet your needs? Sometimes doing certain things to obtain money aren’t good, but trust…I’ve been there. I remember one time in NC when the bills needed to get paid. I was so broke, it was ridiculous. I started to cry and have a hissy fit. My husband just left me, I’m 4,000 miles away from family, and just — miserable. So, for some odd reason….I took it upon myself to look online for jobs at strips clubs. I already took a few pole classes and had some skills, so I thought I would be good!

pole doggy  addiction

I know that sounds crazy with the fact I grew up as a Pastor’s kid and my Christian upbringing, but I honestly didn’t see a way out. My parents were doing all they could to help and I couldn’t keep asking them. I had an Army friend that would loan me money too. He was a lifesaver and I paid him back every single dime, but doesn’t asking for money get old? Thank God the gentleman’s club never EVER called me, because I would of took it in a heartbeat!!! I felt like I would of been degrading myself for some paper. But when hard times are in the “here and now”, you never think of humiliation or degradation. God closed the doors and knew I would be in worst shape if I put myself out there like that.

gigi

https://youtu.be/-fzTDCcfRgQ – Life of a Stripper Documentary P.O.P.

dance

I always hear interesting things at my current job, but one co-worker told me how she used to be a “Sex Phone Operator” and how it made good money. I don’t judge or knock someone’s struggle or hustle, but could I do something like that? I know people have their own fantasies and fetishes, but imagine me screaming in my bedroom or office something dirty to a stranger on the phone? I had to laugh at myself, because I got a pretty good mental picture of it.

Phone-Sex_o_124190

In conclusion to this blog, someone might be reading this and going through, but I promise you…THINGS WILL GET BETTER! Through all the hell I’ve endured back in 2013, the payback came in such a beautiful way. I ended up getting $40k from the Army, re-furnished my home, paid off bills, and landed a “respectable” job (HR) 3 months after I left the service. Good things happen to those who wait. You just have to be patient and keep the faith.

GOD

Tijera : )

lady

sidechick 2

So…I would like to start and say….I AM not an ANGEL by no means.

no angel

During my crazy times in the Army, I partied a lot and did plenty of other things that would make people blush if I mentioned it. I think one of my deadly sins is LUST.

7_Deadly_Sin__Lust_by_rpblaborte

If you have read my previous posts, giving up sex was the hardest thing every, but between 2006 – 2013, I had the time of my life…or so I thought I did.

Again, sex is amazing and the best drug in the world, but other consequences come with it. I’ve messed with a married man or two in the past. I guess, I like the attention from men period and didn’t feel like being caught up in the typical boyfriend/girlfriend situation. But what I realized as time went on is that, “Hurt People, hurt people.” When someone is in the state of “Brokenhearted”, you don’t care about anybody’s feelings but your own. You just want self-gratification and go on living the next day.

Well, your dirty deeds and sins catch up with you. I had a married woman threaten to kill me because of something I did 5 years ago! Just because you did something “back in the day”, doesn’t mean that it will catch up with you.

ex wife

Reaping and sowing or KARMA is definitely real. Currently, I try to do right by people so I don’t reap a whirlwind.

free karma

Many might wonder, “Wow, she put her dirty laundry out like that! or “So what’s the moral of the story?” I won’t get to the moral yet, but when I write blogs here on WordPress, an idea or conversation from someone always sparks me as inspiration and I just want to talk about it.

When I was at work yesterday, I was talking to a co-worker, she stated that she was going to L.A. to see her “married” man. I asked, “Why would you settle for someone married, especially the fact that you were an item at one time? Why didn’t this gentleman marry you?” She stated, “We had a whirlwind of different events for the last few years and now we are back together. I enjoy not having b.s. or dealing with the relationship drama. He is buying me a car and we are going on a cruise together pretty soon. I don’t think I’ll ever get married because I don’t want to be the wife on the other end.” I looked at her in surprise but felt sorry for her. I do not think it’s worth it to be involved with someone married. I was married at one time and even though I was faithful, I would hate to be the wife being cheated on or done wrong.

side chicks 1

I went to Vegas a few weeks ago and met a handsome gentleman. He was of Persian/Indian Descent.

LasVegas

He had a nice car, good looks, or what seemed like I would want. I didn’t pay him no mind while pumping gas at the Chevron near the freeway. But he kept gazing at me. It was like a long stare of lust and yearning. He finally spoke, introduced himself, and asked about my adventure in Vegas. I stated that I went to visit an Army friend, but really didn’t have too much fun. He asked, “You should hang out here for another night.” I replied, “No, I’m going to hit the road and head back to California.” He asked for my number, and of course, I gave it to him.

A week later, he texted me (I HATE TEXTING – RED FLAG #1). I was excited, but at the same time bored because the average guy loves to text or message instead of actually talking. He blabbed on about how pretty I looked at the gas station and asked for a decent picture. I sent it and he was in awe. He then stated, “Whoever gets you will be lucky to have you.” Alright guy…WTF?!?! You asked for my number so why wouldn’t you be lucky? RED FLAG #2. So…I asked, “Have you been married before?” He said, “I’m currently married. Do you have a problem?” OF COURSE I HAVE A PROBLEM! My hope fell like a man jumping off of a Two-Story building during the Stock Market crash in 1929. After that I wasn’t too interested in talking to him, even though it was texting. But again, I am a attention whore, so he would text me and I would entertain. After awhile, he started to talk about his marriage and I made it clear that I would not be a therapist or side chick.

gameover

He stated, “I respect you and think you are beautiful, but you are turning me on right now.” Aaaahhhh…..here we go! So he asked, “When are you coming to Vegas again? I would love to see you again.” I stated, “In a few weeks. I want to explore the Strip and do some shopping.” He then replied, “We should have lunch or something, but you turn me on so much.” I told him, “I don’t mind going to get coffee or something, but you are a married man. I don’t feel comfortable being alone with you.” He said, “Oh, I guess you don’t want to see me.” I said, “That’s not it. I just don’t want to get caught up. I respect marriage and the institution.” He said, “Well, enjoy your trip to Vegas.” I never heard from him again.

standards

The moral of the story is that at this point in my life, I should NOT be entertaining married men. I just can’t settle for being with a married men. I don’t care how much money he has or how many trips he can take me on. I believe in a fairy tale true love, which seems non-existent in these times. I’m terrified of being in a relationship and getting hurt, but Mr. Jones won’t be able to solve that problem for me.

I deserve the best, therefore, I have to act as such. I know what I want and should expect in my life. Of course, I get frustrated with not having a man, having a date, or even sex for that matter, but patience is a virtue and I’m on this journey of self-realization for a reason.

wanderer

wandere 2

More 2 Life

Some days and nights, I feel the worst, and sometimes I feel at my best. Tonight though…I definitely need to get some things off my chest.

For the most part, I feel like my world has stopped; a complete HALT, which isn’t a good feeling….I dream to hustle 💯, and hustle to follow my dreams. It never seems like it’s enough for me. I feel like my hometown and current way of life is basically “checking in, but never checking out.” Can you say “Hotel California?” lol

FIRE

I work my 9-5, then do my 6-midnight shift of Youtube videos, boredom, and sometimes homework assignments that I turn in late, but all I really want is a date.

date

While I’m sitting at home drinking a glass of wine and listening to Drake all alone,

drake and drive

I wish the man of my dreams would just call me on my phone. But I guess he isn’t down for the cause…or does he even exist? I’m doing the “lookingforloveonline” surfing, but somedays….I don’t think it’s working. So I’m in celibacy/I have standards/lonely purgatory or HELL for the moment.

The world is imaginative, mysterious, and a huge place I need to explore,

dentist-las-vegas-nv2        portofino

tokyo

but my day-to-day life is such a bore and every little thing I do feels like a chore. But I definitely know that in this life….there is more to it than meets the eye. Right now, time is passing me by, which shouldn’t be happening. I can blame it on my job, my education, or even my God forsaken town, but at the end of the day, it’s up to me.

Destiny and adventure are the keys given to me, I just haven’t used them yet.

destiny-quotes-2

Tijera

L-I-F-E-….Never What it Really Seems

As I grow older, I realize that everything in life isn’t as what it seems. We go through weird phases every 5 years or so….I guess…..At the end of the day, human beings just can’t make our minds up on what we want to do. We always want what we can’t have, or expect something to be ungodly amazing, but it really sucks!

You become single, date, meet guys, and turn up, then realize you want to be married (ball & chain included), sit on the couch and cuddle to “Last of the Mohicans”, or you get married and miss the “quietness” of being single and the freedom. It seems like you can’t leave the house without a “Where are you going?” Really? I’m going to yoga and coming right back….smh…..

single-woman-meme-by-liz-at-womanlywoman-dot-commarriage_o_882439

You sit at home and wish you were working and making money and being productive. But 3 months later, you become employed, and six months later, you would LOVE to call in to just sleep in for 10-12 hours (yup! that’s me!!!). I’m not a morning person, and I don’t think I every will be. Getting up before or around the sun rises isn’t my thing.

brokesick

Or you hope and pray you can go to college and be educated like all of your friends and family members, but 77 credits later, you don’t want to see another text book or computer screen! I’m the type that looks forward to Accounting or Philosophy, then Week #5, I’m ready to get the heck out of there and start something new. Also, Science and Algebra kicked my butt, but I’m almost there!!! YAY!

hate college

I had a HR mentor tell me, “HR is not what you think it is. It will always be the total opposite.” So…with that being said….I love my job as you all know. I enjoy all aspects of HR (except Payroll — I hate being responsible for someone’s money), but the people sometimes make me want to pull my tracks out! I mean, HR is a “people” career. I have to be caring, compassionate, a problem solver, and a bunch of other things to appease the employees. In my last 8 months of working in this field, I’ve had things from mediations, disciplinary actions, office drama, complaints, YOU NAME IT!!! But, at the end of the day, when I defend someone because it’s the right thing to do, meet strangers at job fairs, get thank you cards from employees for kicking butt, and lastly, participate with my Veteran Alliance Employment group to help Veterans find jobs and save them from homelessness, that makes me smile.

defend

I can walk in the house, put my purse down, and lay my head knowing that I kicked some major butt today, and helped some people along the way. I’m not going to always have the best days, but I hope I can make someone’s day the best!

Things in life will never go your way, or my way, but we can just make the best of it by dreaming big, smiling, and always praying.

Tijera : )

#WERK

WERK-THUMB

So, I’m back for another writing round (ding, ding)!

pink-boxing-gloves

As you all know, my life is surrounded by work, college, and pretty much a boring home life (I love my folks and dogs, but it does get boring). I’m trying to take life by the horns through means of traveling, soul searching, and other things. It’s been pretty hectic these last few weeks.

My HRM (HR Manager) resigned and works for a new company, so I’ve been taking charge and handling my base and Fort Irwin (which I’m traveling to this Thursday for a job fair), Science is kicking my butt, but I have a good grade so far. One more week to go! Next week I start taking 2 CLASSES EVERY 5 WEEKS! It’s gonna hurt, but I’ll graduate by the end of this year and go for my MBA. I’m honestly burnt out with school and ready to enjoy nice quiet evenings, instead of my eyes burning at a computer screen.

As for dating….well….lol…..it’s not happening for me and I’m just chillin’. Pretty content about it all and just letting things flow. I think I have too much going on anyways for this to be happening right now in my life. It will all come in due time. For now, I chase away the married dudes and unemployed guys with a taser and baseball bat….what…I have standards you know?!?!

DATE

Celibacy journey is going well. I think I can get used to this….hahahahaha….not forever but almost 2 years of waiting is a good start! Some days it’s pleasant, other days, it’s like a “wrecking ball”. But then. I have to grab a hold of myself and ask what am I doing this for and is it the right decision? Well…it is. No drama. Check! My sanity. Check! Happiness. Check! At the end of the day, its MY CHOICE!

miley_cyrus_wrecking_ball

I’m at the point in my life where patience is EVERYTHING! I have to stay focused and have my eye on the real “prize”….eventually settling down again — with the right one. You can’t use the same tricks, cause you will always get the same results, and the joke will only be on ME!!! : )

For now, I have this “itch” for adventure….Portofino, Tokyo, Vegas, Miami, you name it….I’m trying to go. Still got to plan this Miami trip for the summer or fall and I escape to Vegas at least once a month to re-gain my sanity. I’m heading back there next month, to do some solo exploring. i went a few weeks ago and when I went over that hill, life came inside my body. I was nice to see flashing lights, airplanes, malls, and freeways. On the other end…..it was heartbreaking to go back over the hill and see….brown! My goal is to one day live there, but that is in a few years from now. But until then…..

VIVA LAS VEGAS!!!

Las_Vegas_89

Bye for now & thanks for listening!

Tijera : )

On the Straight and Narrow Path

angel

It’s good to be back! I intended to write this blog when I hit one year, which was October 2014, but I started a new job, continuing my education (one more year of college), and getting into other things that basically got in the way (church, yard work, projects, you name it).

When I first made the decision to stop having sex, it was very scary. I had plenty of late nights with Moscato, insomnia, and Mr. Newport.

insomnia     newports

Sex to me was a drug that I didn’t want to give up.

drugs

I enjoyed the kissing, touching rubbing, and OMG…the smell of it! It gave me the greatest rush, but the haze of ecstasy soon faded away and my reality was just a nightmare waiting to happen.

My main reason was because of all the crap I was dealing with trying to date (and get laid of course) after my divorce. I don’t know if I was wearing my internal organs on my sleeve (crossing my fingers for love) or I was looking for something that I would never get (non-stop and endless sex). Either way, I suffered the crash and burn and decided to make a change…and QUICK!

Now I’m at 17 months and my reasons for not having sex has changed. Of course, the “dating jungle” of hell is one of the reasons, but this year, I have decided to press into God more. I went to a Women’s Conference last week and it put a fire in me. I know this might sound crazy to some, but attending that conference gave me a desire to follow God more and also, I know that there is someone out there for me.

Now…let me also explain…am I a Saint?

saint
………….um no. Some Christians beg to differ, but I still have my “alone” time (ya’ll know what I’m talking about), which I think is healthy, or maybe I’m really wrong.

rihanna chanel

As you can see, I’m very sexual person and have no issues being in tune or at one with myself in this area. I relieve stress, tension, and sleep better when those “personal moments” occur. Don’t judge me ok?!? Thanks! : ) But….it feels great and my emotions aren’t tied to some man. Did I mention my mind races like a horny teenage boy 24/7? Sex is on my mind a lot, but at the same time, I’m not out searching for it like I did 2+ years ago. I don’t want to deal with the heartache, pain, and games that go along with it. It’s just too much, even though it’s AWESOME!!!!!!

Of course, the road will never be easy. I had a few bumps on the road (a.k.a. Temptation)

apple
between October and December of 2014. For some odd and apparent reason, I tried online dating, which was a nightmare (one of my dates was still married — (yikes)!!online

Then some random guy that has no job keeps asking if I need company at my place so he can move in. We got into the biggest debate about going to church, hypocrites, and the like. He eventually left me alone though, which was great for me. No deadbeats and losers in my life.
Then, (sigh) I had some weirdo co-worker wanting to “date” me, but is still married as well (there were so many wrongs with that situation. So glad I didn’t or want to go there — yuck!!!!!).

fat guy
That situation turned from something as to long conversations about fluoride in the water, why I’m celibate, to trying to get me in the bed, and lastly, bragging that we actually “did the deed” to an old co-worker. First off….very childish, especially from a 36 year old man, who claims not to be married and all of this other crap. Secondly, the reason why I would NEVER date a co-worker. Whatever I do on my personal time, I don’t need it broadcasted at work, whether it happened or not (it didn’t though). Lastly, how in the heck is someone going to be 300+ lbs. and try to play someone. WTH?!?! Sorry….thanks for playing! Anyway. I don’t have any hard feelings, but for some reason he still does. Not my problem! But at the same time, my parents always taught me to be careful who I associate with. Just hanging out with this person and talking to him caused a lot of issues in the professional arena and stress for me. I couldn’t believe all of this drama would start over talking or hanging out with someone. I definitely learned from this situation and keep to myself.

Was the whole online dating move a little desperate? Yes. Am I going to be alone forever and die alone? Probably not. I believe true love and patience takes time. Anything you want to be successful and real is never easy. The road will be weary, tiresome, miserable, and plenty of other things, but if you keep pushing, you will finally get there.

So…I’m still continuing on this journey of abstaining and staying away from the drama and hell. Right now, a relationships doesn’t seem to ever work, so I am totally focusing on me….it’s not too bad. It gets easier by the day.